Mother’s Day, Work, and Other Stuff

I know Mother’s Day is a week old as of tomorrow. I celebrated my husband’s mother and gave her gifts and we had dinner together with her and other family members. It should have been a nice day and for her it was.

For me, the day was filled with a mix of anger, depression, and other emotions that are hard to describe unless you are feeling them. I admit I was a bit of a terror last Sunday and later I apologized to my husband for such.

You see the reason I was in such a funk was that my mother has passed away. We had a very rocky (and often abusive) relationship but all was forgiven by the time she died. You can’t really care for someone and take them to their doctor’s appointments and listen to them cry and say they want to kill themselves repeatedly without letting go of the past and just dealing with the person in front of you who is weak and disabled. Well, maybe some people can, but I am not one of those people. It was better for my spirit anyway that we finally developed a decent relationship towards the end.

But she left some battle scars. Some very deep ones that I’m not sure if they ever will fully heal. But last Sunday I missed her. I wanted a mom of my own to dote on and buy flowers for and tell her Happy Mother’s Day and wrap her up in a hug. I love my mother in law. She has honestly been more of a mother to me then my own mom, but sometimes there are moments when you just want your own mother.

The day was also difficult because I too would love to be a mother. But a combination of womanly problems and bad genetics make this nearly impossible. Not to mention I’m no Kate Middleton who can seemingly pop out children and go back to her regular figure two days later. I love you Duchess Kate but you make me so frustrated! How do you do it?! But that is a blog for another day.

I get told frequently on my job that I would make a great mother. I am so caring, nurturing, patient, etc. And I do love those compliments. But physically it would be dangerous to try so I don’t. I have examined adoption and find it to be supremely expensive and a social worker’s salary is not exactly top-tier pay. People say I should foster but I don’t know if I could give a child back once I poured all that love into them and they lived with me. Maybe I should look more into it. I’m not sure.

I love my job but sometimes I want to take the kiddos I work with and bring them home with me so I can help them the way they need to be. I had two parents this week really come down hard on me and say I didn’t care. After all the hours I put into these two children and their parents’ total lack of effort I felt so frustrated. I truly love all the kids I work with, even the tough ones, because every human being deserves some love and compassion. Everyone deserves to have someone care about them.

So from all the stress I have been dealing with lately, I got sick. Not like oh I have the sniffles and this sucks. I’m talking stomach clenching, turning, and worst headache of your life sick. And it won’t go away. I’ve tried coloring, sleeping more, reading, taking a bath, spraying scents I like (basically every coping skills I own) and nothing is working. My last blood tests were horrific (my doctor expressed extreme concern about me). I have to get more blood work done next week. OH JOY! (she says dripping with as much sarcasm as humanly possible).

Whelp that’s all folks! Stay blessed and try not to stress!




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