Today was a long hard day. I had 5 meetings for work. I met with a set of triplets and their mother so that counted for 3 meetings but when I do the paperwork it might as well have been 10 meetings wrapped into one. Immediately after work I had to run to get to my book club which I totally love. I mean what’s not to love about getting to discuss books and getting a scrumptious homemade cupcake at the end?
But it was a non-stop rush of information all day long. My body is not tired (I basically was glued to a chair or my car a majority of the day) but my mind is exhausted. Not only do I have to sift through all of the information given, but then I have to try and pick out what is true, what is exaggeration and determine what is best for the child and their family that I am working with.
On top of all of this I have decided to start being better with taking care of myself so I have embarked on the Ketogenic Diet. I have been following it now for about 3 weeks. I would say I am doing “okay” so far. I admit to having two days so far where I turned into a full blown carb addict and noshed down enough high carb foods for two of me because I could not take it anymore. But overall I try to stick to the plan. I get to have cheese which is one of my favorites but I don’t get to have bread or chocolate bars any longer. I can make cauliflower bread but truthfully real pizza tastes so much better then cauliflower pizza any day. Although I will admit that I made a Portobello Mushroom pizza where the mushroom cap was the crust and THAT was scrumptious!!
Making changes is hard but being sick all the time was harder. I kept feeling bloated and exhausted and my blood sugar was resting somewhere in the 260’s to 280’s most days. I was having to take naps on my lunch break just to get through. Now I am down to between 150-190. I know that’s still not quite where I need it to be but it’s definitely better. I definitely have more energy which has allowed me to go to the gym more which is also helping my depression.
I keep beating myself up about the bad days and for “sneaking” foods I know are off the list of approved foods like bread sticks and the cupcake I had tonight. But it’s seriously like placing a bag of heroin on the table and telling an addict “hey I know you’re struggling to stay clean right now but I’m gonna shoot up in front of you because free choice and all.” I’m struggling to say no. I’m panicking about Christmas and what I am going to make when everyone is expecting my cookies that only I make. If they are in the house I will eat them and I can’t because my blood sugar needs to stay under control or my liver is going to shut down (per my doctor). But I don’t want to be a Scrooge or a jerk and deny others because I need to take care of me.
I am also working on being more responsible with my budget and spending less. In addition I am thinking about going to grad school for my Master’s in Social Work. So there’s all that to figure into the busy schedule.
Have you ever felt like you were trying to tackle too much at once? How did you slow down and figure out what to focus on?
I wanted to delete this blog at least a thousand times this week. I feel like others write so much better then myself. I felt like since I didn’t get a lot of views or likes I should stop. But why did I start this blog in the first place? It was truly to vent about my life, my struggles and to get some of it out before I self implode. So if I look at my writing from that perspective then I really have no reason not to write.
Today is Father’s Day here in the US of A. I don’t know if other countries have Father’s Day or not so if anyone from another country happens to read this please let me know! My dad passed away on on October 22nd of 2014. He was everything to me. He was my hero and the man who taught me everything I know about sports (although my wonderful husband is adding to that knowledge). He told me thousands of corny jokes and we always enjoyed saying puns to one another. He taught me how to love and share and be kind. He was an amazing man and every time I think about him or talk about him I feel this ache in my chest. I remember when he first passed away I felt like I couldn’t even breathe for almost a year. The ache is not as powerful as it was then but it still hurts a lot at times, especially days like today.
Both of my parents always encouraged my writing and thought I could be an actual author one day. I would love that but fear holds me down like an iron fist. The fear of rejection, the fear of failure, and yes the fear of success. I don’t need to be J. K. Rowling or Stephen King famous but I would love to walk into Barnes and Noble and see my book on the shelf or even out of stock because so many people have purchased my book and are enjoying it.
So maybe I won’t write every day but I think I need to try to write more often then once or twice a month. To all the good dads out there, and all my substitute dads, and of course my Heavenly Father I say Happy Father’s Day.
Yesterday and today were my first days back to work after being on vacation for a week. I didn’t really go anywhere but I definitely enjoyed having time to myself to do things I love and some things I’ve been meaning to get to (like cleaning my whole house!). I read books, I colored, exercised, cleaned, spent time with family, played video games, and just generally relaxed. I could get up when I wanted, sleep as late as I wanted, and nobody was around to yell at me for not doing enough for their child.
So back to work. I come in to 28 e-mails and 6 voicemails all with parents needing this or wanting that. I kind of expected this. But what I did not expect, and literally became speechless at, was a parent calling her child a “psycho” and a “nut” because the child engaged in self-injury. She feels the child should “just get over” things that have happened in the past. No matter how much I, or other clinicians, try to explain to her the reasoning behind it (coping skill…not a good one but still a coping skill) she just doesn’t get it. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say professionally (although I thought of plenty that would have lost me my job). I talked to my supervisor and she said we could talk to her together at some point. I let her know I already spoke with his therapist and family therapist.
I forget sometimes that not everyone is in my field and doesn’t have the knowledge or the training I’ve had. There really are people out there that think that mental illness is something to be ashamed of ,or worse, mocked. I think even if you don’t get it basic human compassion should kick in at some point. This is obviously a person in pain and you think it’s okay to treat them horribly?!
Good night for now.