Is my friendship worth $2.25

i-need-help-please

So today I did something that I don’t normally do which is to ask a favor of a friend. She is having a BBQ tomorrow and usually there is a lot of stuff to snack on. She had asked me to bring my spinach dip which we, and others, always rave about and love to eat. Normally this dip is served with either cubes of a thick crusty bread or some tortilla chips, depending on the budget that week. Being that I am trying to watch my blood sugar I cannot partake of said tortilla chips (the yummy bread was out of the budget this week). So I asked her if she could have some extra red peppers on hand so that I could still enjoy the dip with everyone. She offered carrots but those are also high in sugar (plus I just hate uncooked carrots. I am not Bugs Bunny!). She got a little defensive and I finally said I would just bring some myself and she thanked me.

Now on the one hand I could look at this like okay she’s having the BBQ and supplying the main dinner foods so asking her to buy me one pepper is going too far. But I mean seriously I wound up buying a bag of FIVE peppers for $2.25. And this is the same friend who, several years ago, invited me to go to the beach with her and two of her friends I never met. On the drive she saw me eating a candy bar and literally took it out of my hands and threw it out the car window and told me I didn’t need it. I’ve never told her how embarrassing that was for me or how much that hurt my feelings. I wasn’t even struggling with Diabetes back then, I was just overweight. I think she was trying to help but it really didn’t. Also the same friend has asked me to be accommodating when she had some medical issues going on and my husband and I were hosting parties. So I made sure there were things there for her to eat because that, to me, is what a friend does.

I asked my husband and my mother in law if I was overreacting and they both agreed that #1 they were proud of me for trying to stick to eating low carb and not just mindlessly eating what I’m used to and #2 that it was a little rude considering the accommodations I made for her in the past. But my mother in law also made the point that everyone is not me and everyone does not host the same. Some are sensitive to others’ needs and others just feel that everyone should just eat what is put in front of them and suck it up if you don’t like it.

I know that this post may seem petty right now. There are wars raging, people dying, and so many bigger things then this going on. But it take a lot for me to ask anyone for literally anything so although I was hurt I guess I did try and that is progress. One day at a time.

The Ketogenic Life

So for the past two months or so I have been following a Ketogenic Diet. It’s basically a diet high in healthy fats and low in carbohydrates. I have been doing well on it. My blood sugar is still high but I went from being in the 260-280mg/dl range to roughly around 170-160mg/dl. My husband says this is progress as does my doctor, my grandmother, and a few other people I confide in about my struggles with Type 2 Diabetes and my weight.

I had blood work done before we left for vacation. I was only expecting to get my liver enzymes checked (they were in bad shape recently from having blood sugars too high) but instead my doctor decided to do a full blood workup and urine screen. Most people would be like “big deal who cares?” But I was upset. I had just gotten my full workup in May and was expecting to go back in August to do another one. I wanted to have a full 3 months of following this diet under my belt before my doc looked at everything so I could look “awesome” to him. I wanted to impress him because I always leave feeling like a failure even though he tells me not to feel that way. He is encouraging and kind. But when your blood pressure is consistently high, your blood sugar out of control, and your weight keeps getting brought up during a visit, I don’t leave all warm and fuzzy. I leave embarrassed and ashamed.

My weight has been an issue my whole life. I think I’ve mentioned this several times already. I also have major food issues. Lately I’ve been feeling that nothing is safe to eat anymore. Carbs are bad, fat is bad, and I am getting anxiety whenever I eat. Not to mention that when I am eating over my mother in law’s or tonight my sister in law’s, I have no control over the menu so I am forced to eat whatever is put in front of me, which may be delicious, but is usually not low carb. Plus when we were down the shore I wasn’t able to really find much to eat that wasn’t high carb. The boardwalk is filled with pizza, burgers, and french fries. So it was a struggle but I did manage sort of. I did the best I could.

Now today I find out that my blood glucose meter is only about 75% accurate. That means whatever I test I guess I should add 25% more to that number. Last week I tested my blood sugar at 9:30am at home and it was 170mg/dl. When the results came back on my blood work that was drawn at 11:07am it said my blood sugar was 225mg/dl. I was mad because I had not eaten in 16 hours at that point and I had drank minimal water so there was no reason for it to go up. But my mother in law later told me that our doctor (we see the same one) had said that the meters are not always accurate. Talk about a mind blower. I was upset and angry. But then I just decided that I was going to start fresh tomorrow and get back on track. What else can I do?

I am making progress and that is good. If you have any tips for keeping motivation going I would love to hear them!! Please comment below!

Feeling Renewed

Hello friends! I have not been on here for quite a few days due to being on vacation with my husband. We went down to Wildwood which for those not in NJ is a beach and boardwalk area. We had gone down last year but it was a rough week and we did not have as much fun as we could have. I was in a bad place mentally but this year was so different.

This year I was more in shape then last year. I was able to walk up the four flights of stairs to our room with minimal huffing and puffing. My mood was much improved from last year too as I have been exercising more as of late. I was actually able to be in the moment and not focus on all the negative that I did last year. I was actually able to walk most of the boardwalk most nights with my husband and I enjoyed every single minute of it.

I went away with the intention of relaxing and I definitely did that. No schedule, no alarms, nowhere to be at any particular time. The sound of the waves, the breeze, the sun (minus the burns we both got), all of it restored my soul. I told my husband that prior to this trip I considered vacation to be a luxury but now I’m thinking it is a necessity for us. I am always terrified of spending my money and not saving it because what if there is a crisis and we wasted the money on a vacation.

But I learned on this trip that a vacation is not necessarily frivolous or a luxury. I mean in the grand scheme of things I guess it still a luxury. But I work hard daily helping others. I listen to their problems and unfortunately take some of them to heart. I work myself to the bone and I realized I need time to build myself up too. I need time to rejuvenate me and just enjoy being a blissfully married young woman with a loving husband. I needed time away from family and friend not because they are horrible or anything but just time to be us as a couple. I don’t think I really looked at my phone much at all while we were gone.

My heart is happy, my spirit renewed and I feel alive and blessed. I am actually looking forward to going back to work with a renewed sense of purpose and a clear head. Sometimes taking time for yourself really is the best thing you can do for others. If you are burnt out you are of no use to anyone.

Jeff and Me Shore 2018