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Finishing Even If You Crawl There

Today was day #3 of my Edge Challenge. Today was not a good day. I did not sleep well last night and so I didn’t get to the gym until close to 10:30am. My husband and I had a lot of errands to run today so I decided to take a Zumba class instead of doing weight lifting today. Zumba is basically a dance class where you do a dance routine to very upbeat and bouncy music. You jump a lot, spin around a lot, and generally act like a jumping bean. Coordination is very helpful. I am not coordinated.

I won’t say the class was a disaster. I had fun even if I was going left while everyone else was going right and I can’t jump because of my knee and foot. So I made up my own moves. I shook my hips all over the place. I refused to give up even if it meant collapsing at the end. And I made it. All 50 minutes of it and I actually did not die. The teacher, Sandy, was awesome and encouraging. She said she hoped I would come back next week.

For the rest of the day my legs ached, my feet throbbed, and I generally felt exhausted. This getting fit stuff is not for the weak. But I will get up and try something else tomorrow. I am determined not to fail.

My teacher Sandy was awesome!

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This is Tina. She took the class with me. We killed it or it killed us. Depends on perspective LOL!

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Flash Fiction Challenge – The Mirror

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Kara was tired from a long day of taking care of the children on her caseload. All she wanted was to go home and snuggle up with some popcorn and watch Netflix until she passed out on the couch. But she knew that she was supposed to be eating healthier now especially since her doctor was on her case about losing weight.

So begrudgingly she headed to the local supermarket to pick up a few pieces of fruit to munch on instead of her usual Friday night buttered popcorn for dinner. She was going to just grab an apple or banana but then she saw a small package that caught her eye. It was a tiny bowl filled with watermelon cut into heart shapes. Kara smiled at the sight of them and decided to buy two for herself. Then she headed down the baking aisle and found a fruit peeler. Maybe she could make some fun shapes too if she bought some apples or pears next time. “This eating healthy stuff could be fun,” she said to herself as she headed to the register to pay.

 

via Flash Fiction Challenge – The Mirror

It’s The Good Kind Of Ouch

Day#2 of the challenge and I am sore. My back and abs are killing me. I worked out with the trainer tonight and she kicked my butt but she also pushed me to do way more then I thought I could so that was good! I feel very proud of myself and the best part is my blood sugar was down to 170 this morning which is awesome because for the past 2 months or so it has been about 249. I still have a ways to go but I feel confident I can do this. Please remind me that I said this when I can’t stand up straight tomorrow. I also started a video blog of the challenge on my YouTube channel to keep me accountable. I figure if I can’t get to writing I can at least keep track of my progress in quick videos.

Also in the light of fitness I would like to wish my friend and co-blogger Stephen a lot of luck as he runs Causeway Coast Marathon tomorrow. I know he’s going to do amazing as he has been training hard and has a lovely family behind him cheering him all the way as well as fellow bloggers and friends like me! Check out his blog here. He is a much better writer then I am and I love reading his posts. He also runs a flash fiction contest every once in awhile and while there is no prize it’s a fun challenge for those that enjoy writing for the sake of writing.

Today at work I also had a victory. I was able to talk to a parent about closing services for her son so he could be placed in a higher level of care. I was terrified she was going to scream at me but she actually accepted my logic in a calm manner and agreed he needed something more. I was so happy! I know the kid was upset but I really feel that we made the right decision as a team. He’s a good kid inside once you get past the bravado and threats that he makes.

Have a great night everyone! This is me and my trainer Morgan! She’s super awesome!

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It’s Going To Be A Mental Game

Can I just say that I am grateful for my husband? This man is amazing and has the capacity to put up with so…much…whining. It’s day one of the fitness challenge I am in and I was completely intimidated by my workout routine my trainer gave me. I almost quit before I even started because it just seemed like too much. But my lovely, lovely husband made me go and told me to do my best. So off we went.

I whined, complained, said I was going to quit about 5 times, almost cried at one point, but still I finished. I had to replace one exercise with another and modify another exercise due to having zero core strength, but STILL I FINISHED. I ate semi-decently and even though I would LOVE a snack right now I know I’ve eaten slightly over my calories and that it’s a bad idea. My husband is right there with me and we are trying to distract ourselves with doing things like blogging and watching TV.

This challenge is going to be a mental game for me. How bad do I really want this? Am I ready to make the changes necessary to improve my health permanently? I guess only time will tell. Thanks for listening ❤

Kickoff Night

Well ladies and gents I just started my 56 day journey to getting healthier and eating better. I have included some pictures below of our first night together as a group below. It was definitely a party to kick this whole challenge off. We had a DJ, lights, balloons, the works! The trainers were definitely all hyped up on caffeine and energy drinks because it was getting late and they were still bouncing off the walls. My friend/brother in law came over and hugged me at one point and told me he was proud of me for trying this.

I am scared of failure. I am scared of eating my way out of all the work I’m going to do.  My trainer gave me a new workout schedule and holy smokes did it blow the top off the last one she gave me. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to be able to walk or function with the level these are at. But I guess I have to try. Wish Me Luck!!

The Plotting Begins

Here is where the trainers plotted before the challenge!

 

Kickoff Entrance

Entrance to the group exercise room/party central

Kickoff Party

Kicking It Off with some Fun!!

The Trainers

Trainers encouraging us to try our best. My brother in law is the one with the microphone here.

Ready to Try

Not my best picture but I was a little excited when I left!

The Night Before the Challenge

Yesterday, as you can probably tell from my last post, was a pretty rotten day. My husband was laid off from work, again, and of course because we lost an income everything and it’s mother is going wrong. He needs new tires, my rear view mirror in my car is swinging like a pendulum for some unknown reason, we recently decided to convert our home from oil heat to gas heat and that costs thousands of dollars and we can’t push it off any longer because the oil is backing up into the house and making us sick when we run it and we have soot everywhere in our laundry room despite the fact that we are not even running the heat right now.

Tomorrow we start the weight loss challenge at our gym together. I want to be excited and maybe an itty bitty part of me is, but it is drowned out by voice in my head screaming through a megaphone, YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE! YOU ARE A LOSER AND YOU WERE STUPID TO SIGN UP FOR THIS CHALLENGE! YOU’RE GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU AT THE FINAL WEIGH IN! YOU ARE A LARD ASS!! Isn’t my inner world so wonderful?!

Eating healthy and exercising have always been a challenge for me. I have gotten into a routine of going to the gym regularly but my eating habits as of late have been atrocious. Basically I have used the excuse for the last two weeks that I am not going to be able to eat any of my favorite foods during this challenge so I might as well stock up now. I had my most favorite desert in the world tonight at TGI Friday’s; warm brownie covered in warm hot fudge, vanilla ice cream scoop on top and drizzled with warm caramel sauce and sprinkled with chopped pecans. My husband and I split it and it was soooo delicious.

Tomorrow starts salads and less calories and a miserable 8 weeks of denying myself everything I love all in the sake of health. My brother in law is head personal trainer at our gym and said he really wants my husband and I to win. He said this is about getting healthy permanently. I know this SHOULD be the goal but honestly I just want to win at least the prize at our gym which is $500 and ultimately the BIG prize which is $5,000 if you lose the biggest percentage out of ALL the gyms participating. I don’t WANT to give up pizza, chocolate, ketchup, and iced tea forever. I can do it for 8 weeks and maybe if I do my mind will change. We shall see.

Weigh in is tomorrow at 6pm EST. Wish me luck and if you have any delicious healthy recipes feel free to pass them along 🙂

I Am No Longer Tubthumping

There is no point in trying
No point in getting up
Stay down on the ground
Don’t make a sound
And maybe the storm will pass

Put on a happy face
Smile, Smile, Smile
They say share your troubles
But then your sadness doubles
When no one wants to listen

Every day is the same
Every minute, Every hour
Bills piled high
Days end with a sigh
And you wonder why you even bother

Be still, be quiet
Hear the ache
Of a heart that’s sad
A soul gone bad
And the desire to try is abandoned

Emptiness screeches
Like an owl gone mad
Loneliness encroaches
Death approaches
And you run open armed to him

They try to pull you back
But you pull away
There’s nothing to do
You are through
Trying to make everyone happy

~I Actually Did It~

After MONTHS of agonizing, scheming, planning, praying, and generally feeling as if I have an elephant on my chest, I finally did it tonight. I finished my grad school essay and I submitted my application for the MSW to Rutgers University. If accepted I will start school in January. If not accepted, well I don’t know from there.

This past week I had all but given up on my application. I was tired, I was stressed, and my boss was driving me crazy. My families I work with were driving me crazy. I was ready to quit my job and turn into a hermit who lives in the woods. During my supervision on Friday I had it out with my boss and told her all my frustrations and how I felt betrayed by her. She stayed calm and told me that there are always exceptions to every rule and that is just how the world works. When I told her I was no longer applying for school she got mad at me and asked why. I said I couldn’t do my job, go to school, and get everything done. She looked away and said “whatever.” Naturally this made me furious. I don’t like being dismissed.

So tonight I had some time to think while my husband was out. I am literally worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. If I don’t get this degree I can’t move up in the field and I will be stuck at my current job forever. If I go to school it’s going to cost a lot of money and time and possibly all of the little sanity I have left. But the time has come to move on because I can’t do anything else unless I get this degree.

So here goes nothing. Or something. We shall see!!

 

Victorious Agony

Well dear friends I made a promise I could not keep. I was supposed to write a blog a day leading up to this challenge at my gym. I have failed. My job has kept me from one of the few things I enjoy and I’m good at.

This past week has been absolute hell. From being betrayed by the very people who were supposed to support me during a difficult meeting this week and being thrown under the bus, to having a mother break down today while her three bitches of Eastwick (“supposed” professionals) decided that they were giving up on working with the kid because he was “too dangerous” but demanded that I get the kid into an out of home treatment facility ASAP, I have had it. My stomach is a mess, I’m not sleeping well, and naturally I have resorted back to the one thing that can ALWAYS bring comfort, at least temporarily, and that is food. This is not good considering I’m about to go into a weight loss challenge.

I don’t know how I am going to get through this challenge. I feel like I’m buried under a mountain of responsibilities and I can’t keep up. Is this really what I want the next 40 years of my life to look like, because let’s face it, the odds of me retiring are non-existent strictly from a monetary standpoint. I am at my breaking point. My doctor wanted to put me out of work but as always I decline because all that does is back up my workload so when I come back from resting everything is just 10 miles high. I took Xanax earlier and it barely made a dent in the anxiety and stress I am feeling. Technically I could take more as prescribed but all that does is make me loopy and tired and I can’t think.

I want to go into a freshman classroom of Social Work hopefuls. I want to tell them the truth of the field and see if they still want to go into this hell of a job. YES it can be rewarding. YES some days my heart soars when a child and family makes accomplishments. But those moments are so few and far between that I fear I may never see another one. I want to go to school. But I can’t do that and keep this job. It is physically impossible. There are not enough hours in the day. We have to double and triple document things and it’s just too much. I feel like I’m failing at all levels of my life from health, to work, to being a good wife and kitty mommy. I have been screaming, yelling, cursing, and having zero patience. I’m going to have a stroke in my car because of all the yelling I’ve been doing. I need a break but I can’t take a break because then I will be behind. Even when it’s supposed to be down time I am STILL working just to stay afloat. I can’t wait for Saturday.

 

Burnout

 

 

Positive Poetry

What good is a size 2
When all that you do
Is obsess about the gym and your food

What good is skinny
When you haven’t any
Friends because you drove them away

What good is thin
Now that you’re in
Way over your head and drowning

What good is low cal bread
When your heart is dead
And your soul has withered dry

Love the chocolate
Love the curves
Live the life you know you deserve

Be healthy
Be wise
Awaken the beauty you know is inside

~Jenny Hansen 2013