What Would You Say: A Poem

*WARNING* Some parts of my poem below are pretty graphic. I apologize to anyone who is offended ahead of time. This is how I get through my depression. *

What would you say
If I told you that every day I want to die
That every step, every breath, every daily requirement
Is total torture and requires the strength of Superman
Just to get though 24 hours in one piece

What would you say
If I told you that I cry but tears never dot my cheeks
It is an internal maelstrom of rage, and hatred
Frustration, fear, anxiety, and so much more
All directed at myself but silent
So no one is bothered

What would you say
If I told you that I hated my friends all pregnant and plump
Parading their bellies full of babies like some trophy
Some unattainable prize I will never win
And that some days I just want to rip my uterus out
Because it is defective and so am I

What would you say
If I told you that I fantasize about sending letters
Full of cruel words that are stuck in my head
To parents I try to help but who are never satisfied
A system that is broken
And politicians who only care about the bottom line

What would you say
If they found me at my desk bleeding and pale
Because the expectations were too high
The pay was too low
And the praise was never enough.

You will say nothing
Because I will never say anything
And we will all pretend it’s okay
Until one of us collapses underneath the weight
Of a world too heavy to bear

For my mother, who shows me how to be human, on her birthday

Some beautiful insights from a friend I haven’t seen in awhile.

every common bush

I have pondered the nature of parenthood for a good stretch now. I have the crease lines in the middle of my forehead, coming out of my eyebrows, to show for it. As far as I can tell from here, being a parent is simply teaching another human being how to be human, mostly by example. It is why Jesus came to earth as a person instead of simply telling us from His lofty perch, spectacles at the end of his nose, chin lifted to see through them to examine our behavior more precisely, what to do and how to be.

In a smaller but not very different sense, this is what parents do for their children every day.

It is my mom’s birthday today (i’m pretty sure. if not, it’s definitely tomorrow) and the older I get the more I can see clearly what she has shown me of…

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