Lost In The Darkness

Friday, September 27th, I said a final goodbye to my Aunt Marie. She lost her fight to a rare lung disorder that snatched her up faster then a kid grabs a cookie.

My heart physically hurts. I have been crying on and off since the viewing on Thursday and the day of the funeral, naturally, I was a tearful mess. I went through 2 packages of purse tissues. My husband hugged me and didn’t say much which was exactly what I needed at that moment.

The priest for the funeral looked and acted like someone had woken him from a nap to go and perform a funeral. He actually fell asleep at one point! Then he wound up going to the wrong cemetery so the funeral director wound up doing the grave side service. In his defense, this priest was new to the area so I guess we give him a pass.

My job does not give time off for aunts or uncles, only parents or grandparents (including step-parents and step-grandparents). I took off Friday for obvious reasons and Monday because I need it. I need to be able to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone along with my Uncle Peter a few years ago.

Every time I think about going back to work, my heart pounds out of control, I feel sick, and I start shaking. I feel the same fear I would feel if someone was chasing me with a chainsaw and not because they were excited to get to my lawn. My job has literally driven me to the brink of insanity. My boss changed my time sheet without even consulting me before turning it in which in itself made me angry. Then there are the twenty or so e-mail waiting to tell me how wrong I am in everything and how I’m not doing enough. Just typing this I feel ready to burst into tears.

I know it is long overdue for me to leave this company. While I love what I do, the pressure to complete more and more within the same amount of time per week is overwhelming and exhausting. It has caused me to spiral into a deep depression that I can’t seem to get out of. All I want to do is sleep or kill myself.

I’m tired of losing people, I’m tired of bills, I’m tired of going to church and feeling so empty and hollow inside. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of not having any energy to do anything, even things I love. I am just tired of life. And I’m really tired of trying to explain depression and anxiety to people that don’t understand and think I should just “snap out of it” “think positively” and my favorite “you just need to have faith.” My faith is dead. I know God is there but I don’t think he cares about me anymore. I have no more faith that things are going to get better and I’m too tired to try to get off the ground. If I wind up dead it is because I gave my all and I couldn’t give anymore. I feel that I am doing the world  a favor by going away.

But  I don’t even think God would be merciful enough to let me die. He’d rather watch me be miserable and hurt and cry. Sometimes I think he gets enjoyment out of it. But maybe I’m wrong. Sorry if this is bleak. This is my only safe outlet to say these things because I work in the mental health field and you can’t talk to your co-workers about it, definitely not your boss, and all my friends are busy with their children and their own lives. Nobody wants to hear this because nobody knows how to fix it. So if you read this thanks for being there.

The Last Words You Ever Want To Hear

“There’s nothing more we can do.”

These to me are the worst words you can hear from a doctor when you love someone.

They said them to my mom when they called to tell her my father passed away from a heart attack.

They say them in countless hospitals in countless places countless times a day. I can’t imagine having to say those words to someone. I can’t imagine seeing faces filled with hope when you walk in the room and then seeing the light in someone’s eyes as you destroy it faster then a boot can kill and ant.

Today these words were spoken to my cousins about their mother. My Aunt Marie was the most favorite of my aunts because she was so kind and loving. She always made me feel special and loved. She had my wedding shower at her home so both my mother in law and my mom could invite all the people they wanted. My cousins already lost their father and now they are losing their mother. Their kids will not get to know my aunt the way I did or her kids did. They will never hear her great stories or taste her home made pierogies (although my cousins make them well so maybe they will get to taste them after all).

I am so mad at God right now I could spit. I don’t deny His existence but right now I wish he would end mine. I’m tired of losing family. In a few days I will lose my aunt. My cousins will lose a mother, and four grandchildren will lose their grandmother. Where is the righteousness in that?!

Aunt Marie and Family

My Aunt Marie is the third one in from the right. This is her with my cousins Kim, Steph, and Peter and their husbands, wife, and grandchildren. WHY?! Why God Why?!

Heartbreak On Top Of Heartbreak

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this life. I can’t even try to pretend I have faith anymore. I know God is there and that He loves some people but I think I must have done too many things wrong to be loved anymore. Or perhaps I am just a joke to Him.

My job is killing me. Literally. Like my stress level is so high I am having physical pain in my chest and I constantly am stress eating which is awesome when you have Type 2 Diabetes . Parents I work with are abusive to me, they lie, and they don’t want to let go of services so it all falls on my head. I’m the bad guy. I’m the jerk saying hey your kid is stable, time to go. Even though the damn therapists say the same damn thing I am always the one getting blamed for “not caring.” My whole freaking job is caring. But I am starting to not care anymore. I am tired of putting out effort with no return except constant abuse. And when you try to explain to your boss how stressed out you are you just get “just don’t take it so personally,” “stop being sensitive,” “you need to reset yourself.” Some days I seriously consider ending my life at work and leaving a note on my chest that says “Please find the positive in THIS.”

My Pop Pop is not doing well. He had a stroke about two months ago and has been in a nursing home ever since. He is mean, cranky, and abusive to the nursing staff and my grandmother. He tells her she doesn’t care about him and has abandoned him to die Even though she visits him five times a week). Then he begs her to not leave and to bring him ice cream. He’s 97 years old so I get maybe it’s his time to go, but why couldn’t God just let him go to sleep? Why put his daughter Linda and my grandmother through all this abuse? My grandmother is practically a saint in my eyes. She has stood by me through so much. She believed me about my mom abusing me when nobody else would. She encouraged me, helped me to believe in God even when I wanted to just give up. Now even she is questioning why all this crap is happening.

Today I found out my Aunt Marie is probably going to pass away soon because she has an infection in her lungs and she needs a lung transplant but it’s not looking good. She is currently in an induced coma to keep her body calm. She just retired this year in May after 42 years of teaching! And this is the thanks she gets. Dying when she would finally have more time to be with her grand babies. I guess I should be grateful that God allowed her to have one final vacation with all of her kids and grand kids this summer before he snatches her away.

My mother in law let my husband and I know last night that my husband’s sister is probably getting divorced because her husband is potentially cheating on her and also he doesn’t want to do anything in the house to help her or their two wonderful children. These kids are like perfect, no lie. So on top of being sad for her, now I’ve lost my mother in law as a support because she is going to be all wrapped up in my sister in law (as she should, don’t get me wrong).

I can no longer attend my church because one of the grandparents I work with has decided to attend there and will not stop harassing me at church for things. I need this. I want that. Give me this. Give me that. When are you doing A-Z for me? I’m not supposed to have work conversations in public due to protecting the child’s privacy. But she doesn’t care and now I can’t go there.

I am destroyed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don’t even know how I’m going to get up tomorrow and put up with work on top of all of this.

 

broken heart

The Beauty Inside

What good is a size 2
When all that you do
Is obsess about the gym and your food

What good is skinny
When you haven’t any
Friends because you drove them away

What good is thin
Now that you’re in
Way over your head and drowning

What good is low cal bread
When you’re heart is dead
And your soul has withered dry

Love the chocolate
Love the curves
Live the life you know you deserve

Be healthy
Be wise
Awaken the beauty you know is inside