Depression and Social Media

When I go on Facebook lately I see a lot of posts about supporting people with mental illness and #endthestigma. While I appreciate the thoughts and really wish we could live in a world where people with mental illness are not stigmatized the fact is it’s easier to post some nice memes on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. then to actually follow through with what you are posting.

People are tolerant of someone complaining about feeling depressed or anxious but only up to a certain point. If day, after day, you share the reality of feeling suicidal and depressed or anxious or whatever, somehow that becomes “annoying” and you are being a “drain” on people. So people stop posting because they don’t want to be a “bother” or “bring people down.” But the depression or anxiety is not gone and now that person is more isolated then when they started to try and reach out. But hey, post some cat memes or some jokes and your likes will soar.

I am a person who is going through a bout of depression and has some major anxiety occurring with work. I am a good, hardworking person who likes to give my all and may have some perfectionistic tendencies (thanks mom!). But lately I can’t get things done, I can’t get organized, I can’t think, I can’t keep up. I am literally drowning in work. And nobody cares at work. I’ve tried talking to my supervisor. I’ve tried reorganizing my week. I’ve tried working extra hours (which I’m technically not supposed to do) Today I worked a total of 11.75 hours when technically I was only supposed to work 6 to get to a 40 hour work week. My job does NOT like you to have overtime. But there was constant crisis after crisis this week. So I wound up working 5 hours of overtime and I am STILL not close to being finished.

My counselor wants me to take a break from work and ideally quit my job. I would like to quit my job. But the reality is that I’m the only one working right now, I have the health insurance, so I cannot afford to quit. Plus this is cold and flu season and also Christmas is coming and all of the expenses with that.

Some days I want to check out of life. I want to hang myself at my office from the bathroom door with a sign that says I Give Up. I dream of slitting my throat at my desk and leaving a note detailing why. I think to myself that this may be the only way to get the attention of administration that what they are doing is not working for anyone.

But alas I have this husband of mine that I love more then life itself and I can’t do that to him. I know it would devastate him. I also have a grandmom that already lost my dad and I know this would crush her to the core. So I keep getting up, struggling through the day and praying the next one will be better. I am hanging on by a thread but at least I’m still hanging on.

The Last Words You Ever Want To Hear

“There’s nothing more we can do.”

These to me are the worst words you can hear from a doctor when you love someone.

They said them to my mom when they called to tell her my father passed away from a heart attack.

They say them in countless hospitals in countless places countless times a day. I can’t imagine having to say those words to someone. I can’t imagine seeing faces filled with hope when you walk in the room and then seeing the light in someone’s eyes as you destroy it faster then a boot can kill and ant.

Today these words were spoken to my cousins about their mother. My Aunt Marie was the most favorite of my aunts because she was so kind and loving. She always made me feel special and loved. She had my wedding shower at her home so both my mother in law and my mom could invite all the people they wanted. My cousins already lost their father and now they are losing their mother. Their kids will not get to know my aunt the way I did or her kids did. They will never hear her great stories or taste her home made pierogies (although my cousins make them well so maybe they will get to taste them after all).

I am so mad at God right now I could spit. I don’t deny His existence but right now I wish he would end mine. I’m tired of losing family. In a few days I will lose my aunt. My cousins will lose a mother, and four grandchildren will lose their grandmother. Where is the righteousness in that?!

Aunt Marie and Family

My Aunt Marie is the third one in from the right. This is her with my cousins Kim, Steph, and Peter and their husbands, wife, and grandchildren. WHY?! Why God Why?!

Heartbreak On Top Of Heartbreak

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this life. I can’t even try to pretend I have faith anymore. I know God is there and that He loves some people but I think I must have done too many things wrong to be loved anymore. Or perhaps I am just a joke to Him.

My job is killing me. Literally. Like my stress level is so high I am having physical pain in my chest and I constantly am stress eating which is awesome when you have Type 2 Diabetes . Parents I work with are abusive to me, they lie, and they don’t want to let go of services so it all falls on my head. I’m the bad guy. I’m the jerk saying hey your kid is stable, time to go. Even though the damn therapists say the same damn thing I am always the one getting blamed for “not caring.” My whole freaking job is caring. But I am starting to not care anymore. I am tired of putting out effort with no return except constant abuse. And when you try to explain to your boss how stressed out you are you just get “just don’t take it so personally,” “stop being sensitive,” “you need to reset yourself.” Some days I seriously consider ending my life at work and leaving a note on my chest that says “Please find the positive in THIS.”

My Pop Pop is not doing well. He had a stroke about two months ago and has been in a nursing home ever since. He is mean, cranky, and abusive to the nursing staff and my grandmother. He tells her she doesn’t care about him and has abandoned him to die Even though she visits him five times a week). Then he begs her to not leave and to bring him ice cream. He’s 97 years old so I get maybe it’s his time to go, but why couldn’t God just let him go to sleep? Why put his daughter Linda and my grandmother through all this abuse? My grandmother is practically a saint in my eyes. She has stood by me through so much. She believed me about my mom abusing me when nobody else would. She encouraged me, helped me to believe in God even when I wanted to just give up. Now even she is questioning why all this crap is happening.

Today I found out my Aunt Marie is probably going to pass away soon because she has an infection in her lungs and she needs a lung transplant but it’s not looking good. She is currently in an induced coma to keep her body calm. She just retired this year in May after 42 years of teaching! And this is the thanks she gets. Dying when she would finally have more time to be with her grand babies. I guess I should be grateful that God allowed her to have one final vacation with all of her kids and grand kids this summer before he snatches her away.

My mother in law let my husband and I know last night that my husband’s sister is probably getting divorced because her husband is potentially cheating on her and also he doesn’t want to do anything in the house to help her or their two wonderful children. These kids are like perfect, no lie. So on top of being sad for her, now I’ve lost my mother in law as a support because she is going to be all wrapped up in my sister in law (as she should, don’t get me wrong).

I can no longer attend my church because one of the grandparents I work with has decided to attend there and will not stop harassing me at church for things. I need this. I want that. Give me this. Give me that. When are you doing A-Z for me? I’m not supposed to have work conversations in public due to protecting the child’s privacy. But she doesn’t care and now I can’t go there.

I am destroyed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don’t even know how I’m going to get up tomorrow and put up with work on top of all of this.

 

broken heart

Merry and Bright: How To Cultivate More Social Media Friends

I have discovered the formula for having as many friends on social media as possible. If you would like to know how do this please follow these simple rules:

#1 This is the number one rule and pretty much plays into every other rule. Post lots and lots of pictures and videos of yourself merry and bright! Full makeup is a must at all times if you are a woman. Can’t show that we may actually have blemishes, wrinkles, crinkles, freckles, or anything else marring our perfect skin.

#2 The only sad or emotional things you are allowed to post are things about children dying, cancer, abused animals, or your team losing the big game. Don’t you DARE post anything about being depressed, anxious, worried, scared, lonely, frustrated, or bitter. Remember step one? We’re supposed to ALWAYS be merry and bright!

#3 Avoid politics and religion at all costs. God forbid someone has a different opinion then you! That might make you not so merry and bright and nobody wants that right?!

#4 Unless you are posting ADORABLE pictures of your child do not talk about them. Someone might parent different then you and again this may lead to you not feeling so merry and bright. And if you get sad you might ruin your perfect makeup.

#5 Make sure you post pictures of your home perfectly decorated for all the holidays. You must ensure that there are no socks or shoes laying around. The more like a perfect portrait it looks like , and not an actual home you live in, the better. After all perfection makes us all merry and bright, right?

#6 Don’t post pictures of food unless it’s a wedding cake or some other important food based celebration. Pictures of other food items such as the bagel you ate for breakfast with the perfectly spread creamed cheese and cut strawberries does not make everyone merry and bright. Think about those that are allergic to dairy or strawberries. Don’t be cruel to them.

#7 Post lots of funny gifs and memes because they make others merry and bright. Doesn’t matter how you feel. People love that stuff and besides you’re looking to build your friendships not real relationships right?

#8 You can be sad about the death of a loved one but not for too long. If you keep posting about it, then people will start to get annoyed because remember we are all supposed to be centering on MERRY AND BRIGHT!!

#9 Do not argue with anyone or stand up for what you believe in. Just accept the truth of the day and ignore your own intuition and gut feelings when something doesn’t seem right to you. After all we need to keep everyone MERRY AND BRIGHT!

#10 Completely lose all sense of self, blend into the crowd and you too can have millions of Facebook friends which hopefully make you merry and bright while you are simultaneously alone with no real friends to speak of.

Disclaimer: This is me, venting after a long day. DO NOT actually follow these steps unless you truly do NOT want any real friends. Another day I will talk about real relationships and friendships and how to build those.