When I go on Facebook lately I see a lot of posts about supporting people with mental illness and #endthestigma. While I appreciate the thoughts and really wish we could live in a world where people with mental illness are not stigmatized the fact is it’s easier to post some nice memes on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc. then to actually follow through with what you are posting.
People are tolerant of someone complaining about feeling depressed or anxious but only up to a certain point. If day, after day, you share the reality of feeling suicidal and depressed or anxious or whatever, somehow that becomes “annoying” and you are being a “drain” on people. So people stop posting because they don’t want to be a “bother” or “bring people down.” But the depression or anxiety is not gone and now that person is more isolated then when they started to try and reach out. But hey, post some cat memes or some jokes and your likes will soar.
I am a person who is going through a bout of depression and has some major anxiety occurring with work. I am a good, hardworking person who likes to give my all and may have some perfectionistic tendencies (thanks mom!). But lately I can’t get things done, I can’t get organized, I can’t think, I can’t keep up. I am literally drowning in work. And nobody cares at work. I’ve tried talking to my supervisor. I’ve tried reorganizing my week. I’ve tried working extra hours (which I’m technically not supposed to do) Today I worked a total of 11.75 hours when technically I was only supposed to work 6 to get to a 40 hour work week. My job does NOT like you to have overtime. But there was constant crisis after crisis this week. So I wound up working 5 hours of overtime and I am STILL not close to being finished.
My counselor wants me to take a break from work and ideally quit my job. I would like to quit my job. But the reality is that I’m the only one working right now, I have the health insurance, so I cannot afford to quit. Plus this is cold and flu season and also Christmas is coming and all of the expenses with that.
Some days I want to check out of life. I want to hang myself at my office from the bathroom door with a sign that says I Give Up. I dream of slitting my throat at my desk and leaving a note detailing why. I think to myself that this may be the only way to get the attention of administration that what they are doing is not working for anyone.
But alas I have this husband of mine that I love more then life itself and I can’t do that to him. I know it would devastate him. I also have a grandmom that already lost my dad and I know this would crush her to the core. So I keep getting up, struggling through the day and praying the next one will be better. I am hanging on by a thread but at least I’m still hanging on.