A Wedding, An Adventure, and A Conqueror

One of my husband’s close friends got married this past weekend to a lovely young lady who I hope to spend more time with in the future. She looked stunning, all the groomsmen (my husband included) looked so handsome, and let’s just say the people in Antarctica may have lost some ice caps because the groom’s smile was about 1000 watts.

Since my husband was a groomsman he was naturally a part of all the day before and day of events involving the bridal party. This meant that I had to drive, alone, in a place I was unfamiliar with. In short this was about as terrifying to me as being asked to bungee jump off a bridge, speak in public, watch a horror film alone in the dark, or be in a room full of snakes and spiders. In short terrifyingly scary. I may or may not have been a jerk the whole ride down to the motel we stayed in as I tend to get angry rather then admit my fear to anyone.

But I love my husband so I agreed to do this thing that scared me most because this day was not about me, but our friend who was getting married. So in the morning I drove to a hair salon to get my hair braided. This went well and I was able to shop and get breakfast all in the same shopping center. I was feeling confident and good. I drove back to the motel and started to feel better because I had now driven twice in an unfamiliar state and not gotten lost or in an accident.

My confidence was short lived. See what I didn’t mention so far is that this wedding encompassed me driving in two states (the night of the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner we were in 4 states in one day)! So when it came time to head to the church for the actual wedding I was feeling a little confident that I could do this as we had been at the church the night before and I has some sense of landmarks that would be familiar.

This is when my GPS laughed silently and evilly to itself. If it had hands it would have rubbed them together saying “MWAH HAHAH” or something equally evil sounding. It decided to take me a completely different route then the night before. So I wound up on a highway that involved a toll road that I did not have money for. So now I’m facing a $50 fine for not being able to pay the toll. And I was lost.

So naturally I do the most logical thing I could do and I call my husband (hands free) screaming slightly hysterically into his voicemail because of course he didn’t pick up the phone. I was on my own. I was scared. And I was upset because the wedding was in about 20 minutes and I had no clue how close or far I was from the church.

Then I took a few deep breaths, put on my local Christian radio station, calmed down, and focused on following the GPS very closely. I missed a few more turns and had to back track about four times but I made it to the church just as the bridesmaids were about to walk down the aisle. Literally just on time. The wedding was beautiful and the priest was one of the most lovely human beings you could meet in a church.

During the reception, a few of the groomsmen made jokes about me being lost in about 12 states. My husband told me he had no reception on the limo bus and that was why he hadn’t picked up. We danced, we laughed, and all was well.

Looking back on this weekend I am a little glad my husband did not get that call. I was forced to face one of my biggest fears head on and there was no getting out of it. I couldn’t pull over on a major highway, I couldn’t just park in the middle of the road and just cry (very tempted though LOL). I had to get through it and while it was scary, uncomfortable, and upsetting, I made it and I didn’t die from my anxiety. This made me realize I may be able to face more then I think possible.




If It Falls Down It Can Be Built Back Up

I apologize I have not really written anything this week. Almost a month later I am still trying to get rid of this infernal upper respiratory infection. I sometimes believe I should go into my doctor’s office and ask if we can pretend this is actually my third visit so we can get the right treatment on the first try. *SIGH*

I have had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks and the thoughts have been swirling around me like a dust tornado making it impossible to see very clearly or to think rationally. I know there are things I need to be doing or should be doing. But instead I stay frozen and immobile. I’m exhausted and I have limited energy right now. I honestly could care less about anything except my family, my husband, and my comfy cozy bed right now. I literally made a fortress of pillows around me this afternoon and took an hour nap. I was exhausted physically and mentally.

I had two meetings this week that were extremely stressful. Both families are extremely difficult to work with. One family has a mother that makes me a nervous wreck because if you do not answer her texts and e-mails immediately (like 20 seconds after you receive it) she flies off the handle. She also tends to scream at everyone involved with her child. The other family has a father that screamed at me so badly two weeks ago that I could barely drive home from the meeting because I was shaking and crying.

Both meetings went very well and nobody screamed or yelled or flew off the handle. The mother at the first meeting told me that she could tell I cared very much about her child and I was the epitome of calm and patience. The father at the second meeting initially was a little bristly but by the end of the meeting was calm and rational and we were able to get the whole family on the same page.

The lead up to both of these meetings (thankfully not on the same day) was horrendous for me. I could barely breathe while driving to the first one and almost had a full blown panic attack before the other. My boss literally had to pull me into a conference room and help me calm down and talk about my fears for the meeting. And yet I still had an overwhelming feeling of dread, anxiety, and a strong desire to run out of the building and find a new field of work. My heart raced, my palms sweated, and both of my arms went numb. I literally thought I was having a heart attack. But I got through it. I survived and felt so much better for it.

I don’t always have the confidence to believe I am capable of doing things that are necessary. I try always to keep the peace and when I sense conflict or an argument because it makes me uncomfortable. But I am starting to learn that if I want to be in this line of work I need to find ways to have confidence in myself even if others are tearing me down because they are scared, upset, angry, or frustrated. I didn’t make the system I just work within it and I will continue to do so with dignity and courage and above all else LOVE. I was torn down but I was built back up by an awesome supervisor who believed in me. May you all have someone in your life who can do that for you ❤