Well dear friends I made a promise I could not keep. I was supposed to write a blog a day leading up to this challenge at my gym. I have failed. My job has kept me from one of the few things I enjoy and I’m good at.
This past week has been absolute hell. From being betrayed by the very people who were supposed to support me during a difficult meeting this week and being thrown under the bus, to having a mother break down today while her three bitches of Eastwick (“supposed” professionals) decided that they were giving up on working with the kid because he was “too dangerous” but demanded that I get the kid into an out of home treatment facility ASAP, I have had it. My stomach is a mess, I’m not sleeping well, and naturally I have resorted back to the one thing that can ALWAYS bring comfort, at least temporarily, and that is food. This is not good considering I’m about to go into a weight loss challenge.
I don’t know how I am going to get through this challenge. I feel like I’m buried under a mountain of responsibilities and I can’t keep up. Is this really what I want the next 40 years of my life to look like, because let’s face it, the odds of me retiring are non-existent strictly from a monetary standpoint. I am at my breaking point. My doctor wanted to put me out of work but as always I decline because all that does is back up my workload so when I come back from resting everything is just 10 miles high. I took Xanax earlier and it barely made a dent in the anxiety and stress I am feeling. Technically I could take more as prescribed but all that does is make me loopy and tired and I can’t think.
I want to go into a freshman classroom of Social Work hopefuls. I want to tell them the truth of the field and see if they still want to go into this hell of a job. YES it can be rewarding. YES some days my heart soars when a child and family makes accomplishments. But those moments are so few and far between that I fear I may never see another one. I want to go to school. But I can’t do that and keep this job. It is physically impossible. There are not enough hours in the day. We have to double and triple document things and it’s just too much. I feel like I’m failing at all levels of my life from health, to work, to being a good wife and kitty mommy. I have been screaming, yelling, cursing, and having zero patience. I’m going to have a stroke in my car because of all the yelling I’ve been doing. I need a break but I can’t take a break because then I will be behind. Even when it’s supposed to be down time I am STILL working just to stay afloat. I can’t wait for Saturday.