Lets Ratchet This Up a Notch Shall We

Today was supposed to be a blog about all the questions running through my mind while this COVID-19 overtakes the lives of everyone, everywhere but I’m going to put that on hold because today I am totally and completely FREAKING OUT!!

Yesterday I went to the grocery store with my husband. Our mutual friend works there in the dairy department. He was looking horrible and has been losing a lot of weight probably due to the 70-80 hour work week he has been having for the last almost two months. So I decided he needed a hug because hey everyone needs some love.

Today that same friend called my husband and said that his mother, who lives with him and his son, tested positive for COVID-19 and he had a fever as well. I may have had a mental panic bomb go off in my head as I started asking a thousand questions like:

“Is she okay?”
“Is he okay?”
“How did this happen?”
“What if we get it?”
“What if we give it to [his] mom?”
“What about work?”
“What if one of us dies?”
“What if you die?”
“Will you be able to cope if I die?”
“Do you know how to balance the checkbook and pay the bills if I’m down?”
“Do we have enough food for two weeks?”
“I have a fever. Does that mean I have it?”
“My chest hurts. Is that anxiety or am I going to die?”

When COVID-19 first appeared on our country’s radar I felt like it was “over there.” Then it hit the USA and ever since I feel like it’s a stalker trying to find its way into every crack and crevice it can find to infect people. It was in NJ but it wasn’t here in my neighborhood. Now it has crept its way into my home and my mind. It found me despite me trying to hide and cover my mouth and nose so it could not creep its way into my body and destroy it like the Death Star destroyed Alderaan.

I know that there is a high probability that I don’t have Corona Virus. My anxiety is on overdrive right now creating psychosomatic symptoms probably. But my stress is real. The fear is real. So I’m going to do more coloring today to try to be rational in a very irrational world right now. Stay safe friends.

Credit for art below goes to Alireza Pakdel from Iran.

Coronavirus Art

2020 The Year Of Creativity

So I think I am finally starting to get better after two weeks of alternating between the flu and strep throat so I wanted to share some things that have happened in the first week of this new year/decade. Some of it may sound weird or crazy, but I am weird AND crazy so it all makes sense to me.

On January 1st I took a Yoga class that I have been taking for the last 4 years. It is two hours of complete bliss. You meditate, then you do wonderfully twisty, bendy, stretchy Yoga, and you finish with a 45 minute Yoga Nidra which is restorative Yoga for your mind. Every year the teacher, Jill (whom I simply adore!!) encourages us to pick a word for the year. During the initial meditation she guides you deep into your heart to pick something from deep inside yourself that you want to cultivate that year. It is not a mental decision but a heart decision.

2019 kicked my ass hard. I lost my Aunt Marie (my favorite aunt), my Pop-Pop, and my father in law as well as my friend Royal. I got very lost, very depressed, and seriously contemplated suicide multiple times as well as quitting my job. So to say I was looking for a very hopeful word for 2020 was an understatement.

As we were meditating, I felt myself entering what felt like a secret room in my heart. It was full of light and sparkles and a sense of joy and wonder overcame me. I saw a little girl with brown curly hair dressed in a white communion type dress and somehow I knew this was my younger self. My much happier innocent self. So I asked her what she wanted for the year and she began jumping, and bouncing around this secret room saying “Joy, Laughter, Happiness,” as she giggled in that way that kids do. “But how can I do this? Life is so hard right now,” I replied. “Just…be…CREATIVE!” she shouted as she giggled loudly.

And so I am happy to announce that my word for the year is Creative and I want to embody that word this year. I want to write more because writing is where I find my joy and I know it is my gift. I want to be creative in my work and in encouraging others. I want to creatively problem solve with the families I work with. I want to find that little girl inside and let her come out to play because I miss her.

I feel like this year is going to be different somehow. That things are going to come together and I will finally make a change for the better. Here’s hoping!