Super Explosive Glittery Happiness

Today I did something that was really difficult for me. I sucked up my pride, my anxiety, and my terror and went to see a Nurse for Diabetes Education and a Dietician today because my Diabetes/Health/Blood Sugar/Mental Health are all out of whack at the moment and I feel that I am in a place where I am finally ready to do something about it besides whine, make excuses, and generally beat the crap out of myself about it.

I sat in this office from 1:15pm-4:30pm asking every question I had about my medication, testing my sugar, complications I have been experiencing, which foods I thought were “bad,” and mostly my feelings of failure every time I test my sugars and it’s not where it should be. I had honestly given up trying to test because it felt pointless and demoralizing to see that number every day.

THESE WOMEN WERE AMAZING!!

They listened to my concerns, explained my medications, explained certain symptoms, gave me suggestions, told me all my next steps, gave me samples, gave me REASONABLE expectations for eating, and just generally made me feel like a good human being again. PLUS!!! They said I was not eating as bad as I thought and that I actually have A LOT of muscle mass despite my insistence when I came in that I was 99% fat mass.

I left that office very tired but also feeling like a super glitter bomb of happiness just exploded inside my chest! I have not felt hopeful about my body, about my weight, or my ability to manage this illness in YEARS!

heart explosion

I want to sincerely thank those women for giving me back hope, for giving me an action plan, and also for treating me with dignity. It meant the world to me.

My advice is no matter how many crappy doctors, specialists, or experts you encounter you should never give up. It took me years to find the right people who believed me, saw me as a whole person, and listened to what I had to say. So please if you are reading this, don’t give up. Keep fighting and keep trying. You may be one appointment away from

Super Explosive Glittery Happiness!!

I Am Lost…Can You Find Me?

I am lost…..Completely…Totally….Lost.

I am 36 years old. It is almost Thanksgiving and if you believe all the radio stations and stores around here it’s also almost Christmas. My husband is working on Thanksgiving from 4:15pm to 1:15 am on Friday. So no Thanksgiving together for us. I now have to have Thanksgiving with my sister in law who I am convinced does not like me, along with her husband, my adorable and lovely niece and nephew (who make the whole ordeal worth it), and my in-laws who I adore but can sometimes be a bit much when everyone is together. Then I get to dash off to my aunt’s house with my brothers to have dessert before dashing out the door again to go shopping for everyone. I am tired just thinking about it and would like to spend the next 8 weeks hiding under a cover so I did not have to decorate, bake, wrap, shop, or even think about how the hell I’m getting through all this.

I work as a case manager for children with disabilities to find them and their families resources to help with their needs and authorizing therapy. Most of the kids are sick because it’s that time of the year. The parents are always upset, demanding, and sometimes downright cruel. I am slowly losing my love of the job and want to both cry and scream while simultaneously putting my head through a wall. My other option is to fake my death and run away forever.

I am Diabetic, have high blood pressure (100% from the job I do because when I’m off it’s totally normal), and recently have been told my cholesterol is high. Lately my heart has been hurting and so I have to find a cardiologist to go see. I want to be a mother but I don’t know if it will be physically safe enough for me to do so because I take way too many meds for my health and it may not be safe to be off them and also I have some womanly struggles that get in the way. So I will know more in January when I go back to the OB/GYN doc. I gave up school for this because I felt it was the more important goal at the moment. Now I’m doubting myself.

I have recently gone back to church and feel absolutely nothing when I am there. My pastor is awesome and a good friend of myself and my husband. The people at my church are warm and welcoming and lovely people. It really is a great place to be. But I come in, I listen, I leave and I feel nothing. No happy, no sad, no love, no hate. Just another freaking obligation. I’ve tried reading my Bible, praying, but nothing is working right now. But I’m going to keep trying because I really do love God even if I suck as a Christian most of the time.

I have completely failed at the fitness challenge I joined 8 weeks ago and am too embarrassed to go to the ending party on Wednesday because let’s face it I am the biggest loser ever and didn’t even lose like 2 pounds. So super failure right there. Total waste of time, money, and effort.

Nothing makes me happy right now. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of being alive on a daily basis. I feel empty, numb, tired all the time, constant slew of headaches, and just sick of life. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I even went back to therapy for a few sessions and it has not been helpful at all.

I really miss my family. As much as my mother wasn’t the greatest person in the world we always had good holidays together. We always had fun as a family. I miss Christmas mornings together with my brothers and my dad and having cookies for breakfast and reheated McDonald’s sandwiches we bought the day before. I miss decorating the tree with them. I miss board games Christmas night because we always got a few new ones every year. I miss Thanksgivings at my aunt’s house when I was a kid and all the cousins were over. Now everyone is too busy, too far away, has their own family, etc.

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel adrift in a sea of feelings I can’t sort out and with work don’t have time to do so. I feel so alone even when I’m surrounded by good people. Hugs are physically painful because they make me feel like I’m going to shatter into a thousand pieces. I have been retreating from everyone who loves me because I can’t take it right now. Isn’t that awful? The one thing that could make me feel better is probably sitting down and talking to someone and yet I can’t seem to do so.

I’m sorry this is such a bummer of a post. I just needed to vent. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one.

 

depression

Diabetes is a bitch and sometimes so am I

Two days ago I made a blog post that today I’m kind of regretting. I thought about taking it down but in life you can’t just undo things you said so I figured I’d leave it up and learn from it.

I had a great time at my friend’s BBQ. We caught up and talked for awhile since we haven’t seen in each in forever. This was the friend I was griping about with the peppers. It seems so stupid now that I made such a big deal about something so stupid and insignificant. But unfortunately this is a habit that I am working on breaking. I start finding reasons I should not go out and not engage and so I make tiny deals bigger then they need to be to use them as an excuse not to get out of the house.

I love actually seeing my friends, in person, and not just online. I almost always have a great time. But right before leaving this great fear rises up in me and I become shallow and petty and like an animal backed into a corner. This is because I have been hurt so many times that I think subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) that everyone is going to hate me or take advantage of me. I’ve been pushing the boundaries and forcing myself to get out of the house and do things I like such as belonging to two book clubs. Tonight I went to a family success center and we made pillows. Mine looks more like a fluffy taco instead of a square pillow but I was pretty proud of the thing. And two women I know from the book club were there so it was nice to hang out with them. I am learning there are safe spaces to be where I don’t have to be afraid and I can just be me and be accepted. But actually getting out the door was a huge hurdle.

In our one book club we are reading a book by BrenĂ© Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. It has been challenging to me and we’re only on chapter 4! One of the questions in the book is “what would you do if you were guaranteed to not fail?” I have rephrased it for myself as “what would I do if fear did not get in my way?” Oh the answers are plentiful. I would write and publish a book. I would take a photography class. I would have a baby or at least look into fostering/adopting. I would already have submitted my grad school application for my MSW.

But fear is a real and powerful enemy of mine. It stops me dead in my tracks and I cannot and will not move. I actually have a fortune cookie taped to my computer that says “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand there.” It’s supposed to motivate me to not stand still. I’m making progress but it’s hard. It is hard to put yourself out there with a very real chance of failure emotionally, financially, and vocationally. But it also scares me to stand still and do nothing with my life.

One day at a time, one step at a time, we can all succeed in some small way every day even if the accomplishment is getting out of bed.