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stumblingfaith

Positive Poetry

What good is a size 2
When all that you do
Is obsess about the gym and your food

What good is skinny
When you haven’t any
Friends because you drove them away

What good is thin
Now that you’re in
Way over your head and drowning

What good is low cal bread
When your heart is dead
And your soul has withered dry

Love the chocolate
Love the curves
Live the life you know you deserve

Be healthy
Be wise
Awaken the beauty you know is inside

~Jenny Hansen 2013

Day Negative 14

So as I may (or may not) have mentioned before my husband and I signed up for an 8 week challenge at our gym. The person who loses the highest percentage of weight out of all the health clubs wins $5,000. The person who loses the highest percentage of weight at our club wins $500.

It is exactly 2 weeks before this challenge starts and I am FREAKING OUT!! I am trying to be positive, strong, motivated, etc. But really all I keep doing is stress eating because I’m already certain that I am going to fail at this challenge and be the only one who doesn’t lose weight and will probably gain weight. My husband keeps telling me not to stress about winning the whole thing and to focus on health. Technically he’s right but if you were inside my brain for even a day you would understand why this is so hard for me to accept right now.

My whole life my parents have pushed me to be the best, be #1, get straight A’s and never settle for anything less then perfection. Funny thing about perfection is that is never achievable (unless you are Jesus but alas I am not even close there). And also the striving for perfection makes you MISERABLE!! But yet that is what my brain in set on all day every day. My parents have passed away but I can still hear my mom in my head taunting me about being fat and never good enough as if she is standing in the room with me.

I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 12 years old. Binge eating, Bulimia, attempted Anorexia (though I never DID achieve that perfect size 0 body I was looking for or even come close). And mostly that is behind me. But every once in awhile it creeps back up and starts whispering in my ear not to eat, to be ashamed when I do eat, and telling me I am a complete loser who will never measure up in anything I do.

The reason I signed up for this challenge is because I want to be healthier and frankly I don’t want to die in my fifties or even sixties. I am shooting for 100 but will be satisfied with 90. So instead of shoving one more cookie in my mouth or candy bar I am going to try to blog about my anxieties about this challenge and maybe even how I can overcome them. I am also going to try to blog as much as possible during the challenge to keep me motivated.  I apologize if this blog becomes boring over the next few months but this is the only way I know to be sane. Here’s hoping I can do this and do it well (but not perfect)! Wish me luck!

Do you have any tips for working out that are helpful?

What healthy eating plan do you follow? Any good recipes?