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stumblingfaith

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, And Climbing Back On

I know it has been roughly 2 weeks since I last wrote a blog. Things have been hectic around here at home and I have been so stressed that I could barely get myself through the door and onto the couch most nights. So here is a recap of what’s been going on.

I have all but quit the Edge Challenge. I was so excited. I thought this would finally make a difference for me. But sadly a few blows to my self-esteem occurred, along with a doubled workload at work (naturally without an increase in pay), and then I decided to take a group exercise class and hurt my back so I’ve been unable to workout since last Saturday. I also decided (stupidly) that I would go to the first weigh in for the challenge and found out I had only lost 0.6 pounds. After almost 2 weeks of busting my ass at the gym. Then yesterday the standings came out and a bunch of people have already lost 8% of their body weight so I feel like why should I bother trying? I’m going to wind up a loser just like I always am.

My trainer, Morgan, said we are going to have a chat tonight when I go to the gym (if I go to the gym). I know she’s going to be all peppy and tell me not to quit but I honestly feel like what’s the point anymore? This has been a battle I have been fighting with myself since I was six years old and discovered my love of all things chocolate. Why is this so freaking hard. The pounds pack on so easily, why is it so hard to get them off? Why is this such a freaking emotional battle?

Food is a friend who has turned into an enemy. Food is comforting, it takes away my pain, and it makes me feel better when I’m stressed out and just want to stop feeling my feelings for five minutes because they are so intense I can’t take it. But then after comes the shame and the guilt and the feelings of failure. So that brief reprieve is followed by hours of guilt and body shaming.

Is there an end to this? I don’t know. Tonight I went to Cold Stone Creamery, which is an ice cream place near me, to have ice cream tacos. This is why I am up at 4:30am instead of sleeping. I would like to just get outside my body for one day and be able to objectively look at myself and my life and figure out a way to help myself and stop beating the shit out myself. Can someone please invent a machine that does that?!

My doc increased my depression meds and gave me B-12 shots to take every 2 weeks to boost my energy levels. I’m hoping it helps. I just feel like I have no more hope at all. Life is going to be this endless cycle of feeling bad, working to get by, and never truly being happy at all. Mental illness is a bitch and I hate it with my whole being. But I will keep trying to fight the good fight.

Ta Ta For Now

 

It’s The Good Kind Of Ouch

Day#2 of the challenge and I am sore. My back and abs are killing me. I worked out with the trainer tonight and she kicked my butt but she also pushed me to do way more then I thought I could so that was good! I feel very proud of myself and the best part is my blood sugar was down to 170 this morning which is awesome because for the past 2 months or so it has been about 249. I still have a ways to go but I feel confident I can do this. Please remind me that I said this when I can’t stand up straight tomorrow. I also started a video blog of the challenge on my YouTube channel to keep me accountable. I figure if I can’t get to writing I can at least keep track of my progress in quick videos.

Also in the light of fitness I would like to wish my friend and co-blogger Stephen a lot of luck as he runs Causeway Coast Marathon tomorrow. I know he’s going to do amazing as he has been training hard and has a lovely family behind him cheering him all the way as well as fellow bloggers and friends like me! Check out his blog here. He is a much better writer then I am and I love reading his posts. He also runs a flash fiction contest every once in awhile and while there is no prize it’s a fun challenge for those that enjoy writing for the sake of writing.

Today at work I also had a victory. I was able to talk to a parent about closing services for her son so he could be placed in a higher level of care. I was terrified she was going to scream at me but she actually accepted my logic in a calm manner and agreed he needed something more. I was so happy! I know the kid was upset but I really feel that we made the right decision as a team. He’s a good kid inside once you get past the bravado and threats that he makes.

Have a great night everyone! This is me and my trainer Morgan! She’s super awesome!

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Positive Poetry

What good is a size 2
When all that you do
Is obsess about the gym and your food

What good is skinny
When you haven’t any
Friends because you drove them away

What good is thin
Now that you’re in
Way over your head and drowning

What good is low cal bread
When your heart is dead
And your soul has withered dry

Love the chocolate
Love the curves
Live the life you know you deserve

Be healthy
Be wise
Awaken the beauty you know is inside

~Jenny Hansen 2013