To My Best Friend Who Just Had A Baby

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You, my best friend, had a baby on Friday! She’s tiny, gorgeous, and perfectly healthy. A new life born to do good, bad and everything in between. You are one more in a string of friends that have recently had babies. Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by adorable pictures of adorable kids doing adorable things.

Outside I coo and I make cute noises and I could just eat up every single one of them. I snuggle the few I’m allowed to see. They are each beautiful in their own unique ways.

Inside I cry, I rage, and I beat the hell out of myself for not doing this thing that is the epitome of womanhood. I can already feel you drifting away from me. It started with you telling me not to come see you at the hospital and then not to visit until you are “ready.”

I get it. You want some private time with the new love of your life. You want grandmom and grand-pop to come and snuggle her up and make her laugh. You want close family to come and adore this life you created and celebrate with you and your husband. The same husband who STILL did not build the crib for her (I seriously want to hit him for that). She’s been alive barely two days and already you are so in love you can’t imagine life without her. I get it. I really do.

But I miss you. I miss our long talks, and our laughter, and our friendship. I miss being able to call you up and get and give comfort. I miss our passion and our absolute faith in God. Did you know I’m struggling right now to know if what I believe is true? How could you? We barely see each other as both of us settled into our careers, me a Social Worker, and you one of the best damn middle school History teachers out there.

I miss all of my friends that have joined the Sisterhood of Motherhood. It is a club I am excluded from. And I am so happy you got in because you wanted this for so long. But I wish I was there too. I wish we could have our kids grow up together and marvel at all the small miracles like when they first roll over, or crawl, or walk, or say that first precious word. But the door has been firmly shut in my face by friend, after friend, after friend and even a few family members. It’s not that you shut the door unkindly. It is just a space I don’t belong and can’t understand because I am not a mother.

So congratulations my dear friend. I am so thrilled about the journey you and your husband are now on. I will miss you but should you need me, I will come running. After all, that is what best friends are for.

 

toes

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye

This week has ended on the worst note possible. This morning I found out one of my friends passed away. Same age as me, only 36. I am not really sure of the details of his death at this point as nobody is really sharing anything, as is their right.

I can’t even begin to describe what a sweet, kind, caring soul this man was. He had a heart of gold and was always trying to make people laugh because his true passions laid in comedy and singing. He loved Boyz To Men and sang their songs like an angel. We were never super close but I knew him well enough to know the world is a little less bright now without him. He came to my New Year’s Eve party two years ago. We had not seen each other in awhile so I was super happy when he decided to come at the last minute. He had moved to Wisconsin recently to be with his family but I always assumed that he would be back when he got some things straightened out.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of anxiety about my mortality. I lost a friend a month ago who was just a little bit younger then me and now my other friend. A third friend has cancer and I don’t understand what is going on. I am 36 and my husband 39. We should not be losing friends at this age. That should be reserved for our 90’s.

Please hug your family and friends close tonight. Let them know how much you care and how precious they are to you, for tomorrow is not promised. RIP my sweet friend. I am glad you are no longer in any pain and can share your voice with the heavenly choir.

The picture of my friend below was created by Angela Capel. I take no credit for it because I can barely draw stick figures.

Royal Scott

TGIF Indeed!

This has been a rough week at work for me and my team. Every single one of us left the office frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed, including my supervisor who is usually our beacon of hope and encouragement.

One of our teammates recently was diagnosed with cancer. We were all devastated because we love her so much. Today we did a group video chat with her and let her know we loved her. And she let us know her cancer is considered rare and aggressive. I forget the exact name of it. But we sent her words of encouragement and love and told her not to even think about her children at work.

I don’t have much to say except I hate cancer with every fiber of my being. I am a helper and a do-er and in this case I can’t make it better for someone I care about. So instead of just sitting and being mad I am committing to try to send at least 5 encouraging messages to my friend each week to help keep her spirits up as she has done so often for me. I call her Sunshine as a nickname because to be around her is to be filled with warmth and laughter. Her sarcasm is unbeatable LOL.

So I ask you my faithful readers if you could just pray for my friend, light a candle, send positive vibes, etc. She means so much to all of us and she has a daughter she adores. Thanks for reading!

Can I get a letter up in here?

Letters of Love

My online friend Stephen recently wrote a blog about the way we communicate nowadays and how he and others miss getting letters in the mail. You can read it here You should just read his blog in general because it is really fabulous!

I too miss getting letters in the mail. All I get nowadays is bills, magazines, more bills, junk mail, and credit card offers. When I finished 8th grade my parents and I moved from Philadelphia, PA to New Jersey. I literally had to leave all my friends behind and it felt crappy. I was going to start high school not knowing anybody. So to get through the summer we all wrote back and forth to each other. It helped me to still feel connected even though they were so far away. We would decorate our letters and envelopes with pictures and silly drawings. I still have some of them tucked away.

I know we have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. and we can connect that way, but it’s not the same. So I am going to extend the same challenge Stephen did. Reach out to a fellow blogger and see if they want to exchange real letters. Decorate your envelope. Go wild, be creative, but most of all connect. I think in today’s age we are way too disconnected from one another. Get to know someone better. A little love and connection can mean the world to some. I am completely open to writing to anyone who would like to receive a letter. Send me an e-mail and I will get back to you with my address.

Is my friendship worth $2.25

i-need-help-please

So today I did something that I don’t normally do which is to ask a favor of a friend. She is having a BBQ tomorrow and usually there is a lot of stuff to snack on. She had asked me to bring my spinach dip which we, and others, always rave about and love to eat. Normally this dip is served with either cubes of a thick crusty bread or some tortilla chips, depending on the budget that week. Being that I am trying to watch my blood sugar I cannot partake of said tortilla chips (the yummy bread was out of the budget this week). So I asked her if she could have some extra red peppers on hand so that I could still enjoy the dip with everyone. She offered carrots but those are also high in sugar (plus I just hate uncooked carrots. I am not Bugs Bunny!). She got a little defensive and I finally said I would just bring some myself and she thanked me.

Now on the one hand I could look at this like okay she’s having the BBQ and supplying the main dinner foods so asking her to buy me one pepper is going too far. But I mean seriously I wound up buying a bag of FIVE peppers for $2.25. And this is the same friend who, several years ago, invited me to go to the beach with her and two of her friends I never met. On the drive she saw me eating a candy bar and literally took it out of my hands and threw it out the car window and told me I didn’t need it. I’ve never told her how embarrassing that was for me or how much that hurt my feelings. I wasn’t even struggling with Diabetes back then, I was just overweight. I think she was trying to help but it really didn’t. Also the same friend has asked me to be accommodating when she had some medical issues going on and my husband and I were hosting parties. So I made sure there were things there for her to eat because that, to me, is what a friend does.

I asked my husband and my mother in law if I was overreacting and they both agreed that #1 they were proud of me for trying to stick to eating low carb and not just mindlessly eating what I’m used to and #2 that it was a little rude considering the accommodations I made for her in the past. But my mother in law also made the point that everyone is not me and everyone does not host the same. Some are sensitive to others’ needs and others just feel that everyone should just eat what is put in front of them and suck it up if you don’t like it.

I know that this post may seem petty right now. There are wars raging, people dying, and so many bigger things then this going on. But it take a lot for me to ask anyone for literally anything so although I was hurt I guess I did try and that is progress. One day at a time.