Spring Forward

I know it’s been awhile since I posted anything new. I wish I had a good reason such as things are spectacular and life is grand and I can’t WAIT to tell you all the good news. Sadly, this is not that post.

Every year around March, for some unknown reason, we spring our clocks ahead for an hour. I know back in the day it had something to do with farming but we are not all farmers now. I usually have an easy time adjusting to this change more than the one where we go back. But right now I’m struggling with changes of any kind.

I want some stability. I want to Spring Forward to the place where I don’t give a crap what anyone says about me but I can still handle it gracefully. I want to Spring Forward to that place where everything is okay, the pandemic is over, people are done being extreme assholes in the name of their “freedom,” people stop bitching about the election on both sides of the fence, and we can get back to a country we can be proud of again.

Everything feels so extreme right now. Facebook is a minefield you have to navigate to keep your friends and family from hating you. My mother in law is convinced that every time we leave the house we’re going to die and is fully convinced we are going to be a Socialist country soon and all our rights are being taken away and everything we worked hard to earn is going to be gone in a puff of smoke. She told me to get a safe and put all my money in it and then cut a hole in my floor to hide it.

I am tired of being scared. I am tired of anxiety. I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of all the complaining, the whining, the “canceling” of things, the everyone being offended by everything and being so damn sensitive you can’t even say God Bless you without being offended that you said the word God. Give me a break, seriously. Maybe what this country needs is a giant Kit-Kat bar to take a break, then a Snickers bar to release the hangry, some puppies and kitties, and babies and whatever else is adorable to get the focus off the hate.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. I just want to give up. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I’m just so tired. It feels like it will never end, never get better. My faith is kinda there but not. My job makes me cry constantly. I can’t sleep, I’m stress eating, and I cope by playing video games, burning candles, reading books, and playing on my cell to just numb me so I don’t have to think. I can’t concentrate at work, I’m falling behind, my team is a wreck, and I just can’t find the energy to care.

I’ve had so many goals for my life that are never going to be accomplished and that brings me so down. I’m going to be 39 in April and what do I have to show for it? Maybe a dozen kids total who I actually was helpful to and a ton of parents who think I am a piece of garbage.

So I came here tonight to vent. To cry and type, and try to get some of it out. Because the pain is a poison in my soul that leaves no room for love or light to get in. Please say a prayer for me. I really could use some right now.

Sending some love to all my fellow writers and readers. Hang in there even if it is by the slimmest of threads. Some day it will get better even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Peace, Love and Kitten Kisses ❤

COVID and Elections: Hell In A Cell

When I first started dating my husband he was very into wrestling and loved to watch shows like Raw and Smackdown. For the uninitiated the WWE is a soap opera for men with pretend fighting that looks real and sometimes can actually cause real injuries or even death. I’m not a huge wrestling fan but it doesn’t bother me if it is on.

One of the most interesting matches I would watch with him was called Hell In A Cell. Basically the two combatants would be in the ring and a 24 foot high steel cage would descend from the ceiling and cover the ring. The only way out was to pin your opponent. But everything went in this match and there were no disqualifications, pretty much anything went. It was brutal and definitely not for the faint of heart (I know it’s fake but sometimes you honestly forget that when a huge man is jumping down on someone from on top of a huge steel cage).

Ever since March I feel like I have been part of a Hell In A Cell match with COVID. I have ducked, I have dodged, I have occasionally fought back but COVID is a strong opponent that keeps changing tactics. Faucci, public opinion, masks, no masks, sanitizer, gloves, death, hospitalizations, etc. It was enough to drive you mad. But eventually I kind of got to a place where I could sort of breathe (with a mask on of course!).

Then came election season. The tag team partner of COVID that hit me over the head with a brick and then whacked me with a steel chair while I was down and has not stopped hitting since.

I have never, in the 38 years of my life so far, EVER seen anything as destructive, divisive, corrupt, cruel, or soul sucking as this election has been. There have been mud slinging campaigns at election time. There always will be because people are people. But this took it to a whole other planet of attack.

People I love, people I care about, who I thought I knew well are ripping each other apart over this election. I can’t stand it, my heart and stomach both literally ache. Oh and don’t forget I get to go to work and hear how COVID is tearing families and communities apart.

Yesterday I attended church via online (still not comfortable going back yet even though they’re allowing up to 50 people inside). The topic of the sermon was “A Nation Divided.” The first 3/4 of the sermon were great. We should not judge others for their choices. We are not going to tell you how to vote. But use the Bible as your guide to how God wants you to vote.

And then….
it fell…..
completely apart…

I was told that as a Christian I should vote for someone that (fill in four political agenda points). I’m not going to share what they were but suffice to say that I did not agree with those four points and therefore felt shamed into thinking I was not a good Christian woman.

I spent the whole day on a serious rage spiral because I felt attacked on such a deep level. It did not help matters that I am in the middle of a medication change which has left me feeling like an exposed raw nerve every minute of every day. I screamed, I yelled, my husband consoled and validated me and eventually (as always) rage turned into depression and I slept a good portion of the day away until we had to go to his mother’s house for dinner.

Today I took a mental health day from work. I literally laid on the couch for the majority of the day trying not to cry or scream (I failed at not crying). I felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my very core. The hate I’ve witnessed, the fear, the frustration, it all came to a head in the last two weeks and I could not even muster the energy to move until about 4:30pm.

I love God so much, I believe in Jesus as my Lord and Savior and that because I believe he died for my sins, I am forgiven by God and will get to go to Heaven one day. That is enough for me. That is my faith and I’m comfortable with that. So for someone to come along and say that this is not true because I don’t vote a certain way hurt me in my soul. My faith is important to me and has gotten me through some rough times. To say I’m not a believer if I don’t do [fill in the blank] is to attack the very core of who I am as a human being. And that hurt.

I have asked my pastor if we can talk about this as it was one of our elders in the church who preached today and I did not feel comfortable talking to him directly as everyone was patting him on the back and telling him what a great sermon it was after it ended. I am waiting to hear back but I feel he will be able to hear my side and not judge me for it. He’s good like that.

So today was simply a venting of frustration, hurt, and pain. Please pray for me or send good vibes my way. This pandemic is killing us in the helping professions and unlike docs and nurses, nobody gives us any credit for the hard work we do (not saying docs and nurses who are killing themselves fighting this don’t deserve 1000% credit, but don’t forget parents, teachers, counselors, and social workers who are feeling this just as hard as they are).

Thanks for listening. Hopefully the next post will be a bit brighter. Spread love not germs ❤



The Land of Should

(In your mind as you read this please picture the snootiest person you know and read this in their voice. Hope you enjoy!!)

Welcome to the Land of Should! I am your tour guide today and my name is Penny Perfect.If you need assistance and I am not around, They will tell you what you should do as a perfect person like me has many things to do to keep our land of Should running in tip top shape.

The first thing you should notice about our land is that everything is done in shades of either black or white. There are absolutely no shades of gray permitted as things need to be one way or the other. We wouldn’t want to confuse people by muddying the waters with possibilities or exceptions. There are no exceptions allowed here. Our laws are absolute and if you do not follow them all, you shall be kicked out of our territories forever.

Your house should be equal to your status so that people are clear about who you are and what kind of work you do. You should also have a car that matches your status which makes it easier to identify who the rich and powerful are versus those who are just scraping by. After all what would happen if someone rich and powerful stooped down so low as to spend time with people of a different class? They might start having compassion and decide that everyone should be equal and obviously we can’t have that! Can you imagine?!

You should be married if you are a woman and have at least two children. It is not required for your husband to participate in the family other then to be the bread winner. You should put all your dreams and wishes aside to make sure his come true because after all what perfect woman wouldn’t want to do that for the head of their household?

You should strive to be as skinny as possible because after all we are perfection seekers here. Anything above a size 2 is not acceptable and you should work as hard as you can to get here or lower. The absolute most perfect size is double 00 but we do acknowledge that this is difficult to achieve so we do allow the sliding scale from there to size 2. Remember a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

You should make sure you are always perky, happy, and smiling. We don’t want to bring anyone down with a frown now do we dear? If you are having a difficult day it is okay to drink some mommy juice to take the edge off and make sure that frown turns upside down. If you are really weak and cannot manage to do your duty and be happy, please refrain from leaving your house as it is unfair to all the other women doing their part to make this the loveliest town ever made.

Excuse me, where are you going dear? I haven’t finished the tour yet. What do you mean you are going to look for a home in the Town of Possibilities? Don’t you know how dreadful that place is with their murky rules and exceptions and mingling of perfect people with not so perfect people? There is misery and complications and a lifetime of wondering if you have made the right decisions. At least here you know what the rules are and you know what to expect. Everything is cut and dry, black and white. Why would you want to leave? Well okay speed your little car away.

I don’t understand why nobody want to move in here anymore. Ah well back to smiling brightly and pretending it’s all okay. La te dah, life is great!

*BANG*

There is perfection in silence alone.

Merry and Bright: How To Cultivate More Social Media Friends

I have discovered the formula for having as many friends on social media as possible. If you would like to know how do this please follow these simple rules:

#1 This is the number one rule and pretty much plays into every other rule. Post lots and lots of pictures and videos of yourself merry and bright! Full makeup is a must at all times if you are a woman. Can’t show that we may actually have blemishes, wrinkles, crinkles, freckles, or anything else marring our perfect skin.

#2 The only sad or emotional things you are allowed to post are things about children dying, cancer, abused animals, or your team losing the big game. Don’t you DARE post anything about being depressed, anxious, worried, scared, lonely, frustrated, or bitter. Remember step one? We’re supposed to ALWAYS be merry and bright!

#3 Avoid politics and religion at all costs. God forbid someone has a different opinion then you! That might make you not so merry and bright and nobody wants that right?!

#4 Unless you are posting ADORABLE pictures of your child do not talk about them. Someone might parent different then you and again this may lead to you not feeling so merry and bright. And if you get sad you might ruin your perfect makeup.

#5 Make sure you post pictures of your home perfectly decorated for all the holidays. You must ensure that there are no socks or shoes laying around. The more like a perfect portrait it looks like , and not an actual home you live in, the better. After all perfection makes us all merry and bright, right?

#6 Don’t post pictures of food unless it’s a wedding cake or some other important food based celebration. Pictures of other food items such as the bagel you ate for breakfast with the perfectly spread creamed cheese and cut strawberries does not make everyone merry and bright. Think about those that are allergic to dairy or strawberries. Don’t be cruel to them.

#7 Post lots of funny gifs and memes because they make others merry and bright. Doesn’t matter how you feel. People love that stuff and besides you’re looking to build your friendships not real relationships right?

#8 You can be sad about the death of a loved one but not for too long. If you keep posting about it, then people will start to get annoyed because remember we are all supposed to be centering on MERRY AND BRIGHT!!

#9 Do not argue with anyone or stand up for what you believe in. Just accept the truth of the day and ignore your own intuition and gut feelings when something doesn’t seem right to you. After all we need to keep everyone MERRY AND BRIGHT!

#10 Completely lose all sense of self, blend into the crowd and you too can have millions of Facebook friends which hopefully make you merry and bright while you are simultaneously alone with no real friends to speak of.

Disclaimer: This is me, venting after a long day. DO NOT actually follow these steps unless you truly do NOT want any real friends. Another day I will talk about real relationships and friendships and how to build those.