WARNING: This post is about sensitive lady part stuff. If you are easily grossed out or would rather read about kittens or puppies, this post is not for you. However if you do find a good puppy or kitten blog, please send it to me as I love both.
So on October 28th, 2021 barring the apocalypse, I will be saying goodbye to my uterus and potentially my lady balls (ovaries). They are being removed because after multiple years of painful endometriosis and adenomyosis, bathtubs full of blood for weeks at a time (one time my husband walked in and almost passed out), going through enough menstrual pads and tampons to supply the entire continent four times over, a doctor has FINALLY heard my cries for help and is taking the evil thing out.
You would think I would be happy and overjoyed. And part of me is. But a teeny tiny smaller part of me is crushed and grieving. I always wanted to have my own kids in the traditional way. But due to multiple problems (see above) and just financial struggles it has never happened. And now, after this surgery, it will be physically impossible to happen. I know I am too old and too fat to have a normal pregnancy not to mention being on a lot of medications for physical and mental health problems. But still…
My one cousin had twins about 2 years ago. Her sister is currently pregnant with her own twins and has a three year old. It was supposed to be triplets but that is a heartbreaking story unto itself. My other cousin has 4 children and her brother has a 2 year old and his wife is pregnant. My oldest cousin on that side has a son who is going to be I think 6 this year. Then if you move to the other side of the family there are more cousins with more children. 99% of my friends have children.
For years I endured questions about when we were going to have kids, were we trying, when was it going to be our turn. Well none of your business nosy Nancy. Leave us alone. Please don’t pressure women into having babies. If they can’t, it’s a painful question and even if they can, maybe they are not ready. Things don’t always just magically work out like the movies. If they did I would be skinny, a church leader, and a professional author with two kids and a golden retriever and my house would be paid off by now.
I work with children every day through work and I love it. I enjoy interacting with my nieces and nephews (when I get to see them) but except for my husband’s sister’s kids and my brother’s daughter I don’t get to see many of the kids because I am not in “the circle of safe people” for most of my friends and family. Anyway, my point is that working with kids and seeing kids, even weekly, is not the same as living with them, snuggling them and protecting them from the world. Other kids can like you and enjoy spending time with you, but when they get hurt, they will call for their favorite parent or caregiver every single time (as they should).
A lot of people have made me feel as if I was a failure because I did not have children and that hurts. I feel like I got left out of some special women’s club that includes all the moms out there and that also hurts. And now I know I will never be in that club.
People have told me to adopt or engage in foster care but our state has placed a hold on training new foster parents and adoption is ridiculously expensive (a child would cost more than my current mortgage on my home).
So in exactly 3 weeks I will lose what supposedly makes a woman unique and special. But my husband reminds me that I am special to him. And he hugs me and holds me when I cry about this and then he makes me laugh because he always can and I am supremely grateful for this.
So I just want to say to all the women who have lost babies, can’t have babies, don’t want to have babies, you are still important and special. Having babies is not our soul purpose of existence. I am trying to believe this for myself and I hope you do too.
Hugs for all ❤