Baby Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

wordle-depression

Happy to report that after two weeks of safety quarantining in our home both my husband and I have not experienced any symptoms of COVID and can rejoin the world outside our doors.The sun is shining and there is a beautiful breeze outside today. All is technically well. And yet both myself and my husband are struggling horribly with depression right now.

We both have gained a significant amount of weight due to being home and no gym to speak of. We sporadically exercise when we have the motivation (which is not often). People say we should just go for walks. Good advice except he has back pain and I have back and foot pain (thanks heel spurs). So I work and bake and we snack ourselves into momentary bliss, then feel like assholes when we’re done eating.

I love my husband more then life itself, but I cannot make this better for him and he can’t make it better for me. His mother keeps making snide comments about our weight and her being disappointed in him that he’s not working. Then we discuss his sister’s upcoming divorce and all this serves to make everyone miserable. Then we discuss the current state of our State and everything crumbles.

I feel like I’m sinking in quicksand with no way out. I feel the darkness closing in around me as it always does when I am depressed. It wraps me in its invisible bubble and though I can’t see it, I feel it. It literally colors everything more gray and dull. All enjoyment to be had is sucked away.

I know this will end but I am tired of these cycles of depression, recovery, more depression, etc. I feel I have no right to these feelings. I am working. I am paying my bills. I have toilet paper for crying out loud. My kitties love me and snuggle me daily. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Yes I know chemical imbalance….need to change your thoughts…eat better….get some sleep…practice mindfulness…etc…etc. But honestly right now I would like to crawl under the covers and never come out again unless I can get a brain transplant. And a total body makeover.

Introductions and Such

Hello! My name is Jenny and it’s currently 2:48AM. I am supposed to be sleeping but instead I am here typing in Cyber Land because my mind is going a thousand miles an hour. I attended a friend’s daughter’s communion party today. I think the combination of BBQ, Coca-Cola, and cake is partly to blame for my insomnia. But there’s also the constant anxiety I live with that makes by brain operate like an out of control merry-go-round that only the most psychotic of people would want to ride.

The reason I started this blog is because everywhere I turn I am told to “not complain” and to “reset” myself. I am not allowed to be angry, upset, or sad. I am supposed to be a bastion of rainbows, sunshine, and smiles because as a social worker you can’t feed into the negativity of parents or kids. You are supposed to be as calming as the ocean when a parent tells you that their kid just beat the crap out of them because they are Autistic and can’t communicate what they want verbally. You are supposed to just trust that God has your back even when things constantly go wrong.

Do I believe in God? Absolutely. Am I sure He loves me and always has my back? Honestly not always. But that’s why I have Pastor Thomas. He is literally one of the best people I know. He’s kind of perfectly imperfect. You can guarantee most Sundays that he will make some cornball jokes. But he never does it at the expense of the truth. And he will always tell you the truth even if you don’t necessarily want to hear it. But he is gentle and compassionate and will agree to disagree. His wife Lauren is amazing and brilliant and her faith is so strong. I hope I can be a little like her one day.

So back to “reset.” This is a term used in the Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser. This is a therapeutic approach that I and my other fellow Care Managers (as we are called) are required to use with families along with all the therapists we work with. In short you are supposed to “energize” positive behaviors (in other words give lots of attention, praise, and rewards) and refuse to energize negative behaviors (not really ignoring just refusing to engage in an argument, waiting for a moment to praise the child for literally anything they do right). You also have to have clear rules and consequences in place and you have to follow through no matter what. Resetting is when you or the child take a minute to calm down and then resume working towards whatever goals you were working towards (sort of like when you play a video game and you lose a life and you just start over and work until you beat the game).

Our whole agency has to follow this including our supervisors. In theory it sounds nice but when you have had a truly craptastic day and you are one step away from a nervous breakdown, you want someone to acknowledge you have a right to feel the way you do and not tell you to “reset.” It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even talk about it anymore because it only makes me feel angrier and more depressed. But stuffing feelings is why it is 3:18am and I am wide awake (okay and the cake and Coke).

I need a place to vent, explore ideas, discuss my craziness, and as my blog title suggests, stumble my way to a deeper faith in God. I am open to ideas, suggestions, quotes, and DEFINITELY any books that are recommended (as long as they aren’t anything too crazy like how to cook alligator or something). Thanks for tuning in this morning. Hoping to add more content on at least a weekly basis if not more often. Just hopefully not at this crazy hour!