A Wedding, An Adventure, and A Conqueror

One of my husband’s close friends got married this past weekend to a lovely young lady who I hope to spend more time with in the future. She looked stunning, all the groomsmen (my husband included) looked so handsome, and let’s just say the people in Antarctica may have lost some ice caps because the groom’s smile was about 1000 watts.

Since my husband was a groomsman he was naturally a part of all the day before and day of events involving the bridal party. This meant that I had to drive, alone, in a place I was unfamiliar with. In short this was about as terrifying to me as being asked to bungee jump off a bridge, speak in public, watch a horror film alone in the dark, or be in a room full of snakes and spiders. In short terrifyingly scary. I may or may not have been a jerk the whole ride down to the motel we stayed in as I tend to get angry rather then admit my fear to anyone.

But I love my husband so I agreed to do this thing that scared me most because this day was not about me, but our friend who was getting married. So in the morning I drove to a hair salon to get my hair braided. This went well and I was able to shop and get breakfast all in the same shopping center. I was feeling confident and good. I drove back to the motel and started to feel better because I had now driven twice in an unfamiliar state and not gotten lost or in an accident.

My confidence was short lived. See what I didn’t mention so far is that this wedding encompassed me driving in two states (the night of the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner we were in 4 states in one day)! So when it came time to head to the church for the actual wedding I was feeling a little confident that I could do this as we had been at the church the night before and I has some sense of landmarks that would be familiar.

This is when my GPS laughed silently and evilly to itself. If it had hands it would have rubbed them together saying “MWAH HAHAH” or something equally evil sounding. It decided to take me a completely different route then the night before. So I wound up on a highway that involved a toll road that I did not have money for. So now I’m facing a $50 fine for not being able to pay the toll. And I was lost.

So naturally I do the most logical thing I could do and I call my husband (hands free) screaming slightly hysterically into his voicemail because of course he didn’t pick up the phone. I was on my own. I was scared. And I was upset because the wedding was in about 20 minutes and I had no clue how close or far I was from the church.

Then I took a few deep breaths, put on my local Christian radio station, calmed down, and focused on following the GPS very closely. I missed a few more turns and had to back track about four times but I made it to the church just as the bridesmaids were about to walk down the aisle. Literally just on time. The wedding was beautiful and the priest was one of the most lovely human beings you could meet in a church.

During the reception, a few of the groomsmen made jokes about me being lost in about 12 states. My husband told me he had no reception on the limo bus and that was why he hadn’t picked up. We danced, we laughed, and all was well.

Looking back on this weekend I am a little glad my husband did not get that call. I was forced to face one of my biggest fears head on and there was no getting out of it. I couldn’t pull over on a major highway, I couldn’t just park in the middle of the road and just cry (very tempted though LOL). I had to get through it and while it was scary, uncomfortable, and upsetting, I made it and I didn’t die from my anxiety. This made me realize I may be able to face more then I think possible.

 

 

 

The Middle Of The Room Is Better Then The Back

Tonight I took Zumba for the third time this week. I have decided to take the advice of the trainer I had during the gym’s challenge and do things I love instead of forcing things I hate and that are tedious to me. Not to say I should not lift weights but maybe more Zumba with some weight added in.

ANYWAY…

Tonight I decided to be brave and workout in the middle of the room. There were not that many women there tonight so I felt fairly safe in moving up a little. Mostly so I could see the teacher who, by the way, is made of the same material as Tigger because she bounces like it’s more natural then walking. Mostly I hide in the back where my uncoordinated self will not hurt anyone else or myself. So though to many this may seem like no big deal, to me this was huge. It meant I could see and be seen and was taking a chance of my very large self being noticed.

I…HAD….SO….MUCH….FUN!!!

I cannot even express to you the joy I found tonight. Was I any less uncoordinated? Nope. Did I still find myself going left when everyone else was going right? Yup! But for once I did not care. I got swept up in the music and the fun and let myself have a good time. Yes I said good time and the gym in the same sentence. Miracles do indeed happen. My legs and ankles are killing me but it was totally worth it.

I think my challenge to myself moving forward is to try to take small risks like this one and to stop holding myself back because of my fear of someone making fun of me for my weight. Tonight was hopefully the first of many such nights where I just accept where I am and push through anyway.

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Finishing Even If You Crawl There

Today was day #3 of my Edge Challenge. Today was not a good day. I did not sleep well last night and so I didn’t get to the gym until close to 10:30am. My husband and I had a lot of errands to run today so I decided to take a Zumba class instead of doing weight lifting today. Zumba is basically a dance class where you do a dance routine to very upbeat and bouncy music. You jump a lot, spin around a lot, and generally act like a jumping bean. Coordination is very helpful. I am not coordinated.

I won’t say the class was a disaster. I had fun even if I was going left while everyone else was going right and I can’t jump because of my knee and foot. So I made up my own moves. I shook my hips all over the place. I refused to give up even if it meant collapsing at the end. And I made it. All 50 minutes of it and I actually did not die. The teacher, Sandy, was awesome and encouraging. She said she hoped I would come back next week.

For the rest of the day my legs ached, my feet throbbed, and I generally felt exhausted. This getting fit stuff is not for the weak. But I will get up and try something else tomorrow. I am determined not to fail.

My teacher Sandy was awesome!

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This is Tina. She took the class with me. We killed it or it killed us. Depends on perspective LOL!

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It’s The Good Kind Of Ouch

Day#2 of the challenge and I am sore. My back and abs are killing me. I worked out with the trainer tonight and she kicked my butt but she also pushed me to do way more then I thought I could so that was good! I feel very proud of myself and the best part is my blood sugar was down to 170 this morning which is awesome because for the past 2 months or so it has been about 249. I still have a ways to go but I feel confident I can do this. Please remind me that I said this when I can’t stand up straight tomorrow. I also started a video blog of the challenge on my YouTube channel to keep me accountable. I figure if I can’t get to writing I can at least keep track of my progress in quick videos.

Also in the light of fitness I would like to wish my friend and co-blogger Stephen a lot of luck as he runs Causeway Coast Marathon tomorrow. I know he’s going to do amazing as he has been training hard and has a lovely family behind him cheering him all the way as well as fellow bloggers and friends like me! Check out his blog here. He is a much better writer then I am and I love reading his posts. He also runs a flash fiction contest every once in awhile and while there is no prize it’s a fun challenge for those that enjoy writing for the sake of writing.

Today at work I also had a victory. I was able to talk to a parent about closing services for her son so he could be placed in a higher level of care. I was terrified she was going to scream at me but she actually accepted my logic in a calm manner and agreed he needed something more. I was so happy! I know the kid was upset but I really feel that we made the right decision as a team. He’s a good kid inside once you get past the bravado and threats that he makes.

Have a great night everyone! This is me and my trainer Morgan! She’s super awesome!

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Ch Ch Ch Changes

I have been quiet on WordPress for awhile and for those that actually read my blog I apologize. Life has been hectic and I am in the middle of some major changes.  I am afraid to blog about these changes because if I fail and tell no one then I fail alone. But if I share my goals and fail then it feels like seemingly EVERYONE in the whole world will know and that is terrifying.

I have started to try to pray again. It has not been consistent, or beautiful for that matter but it is real. I am working towards reading my Bible again which is also inconsistent at the moment but could get better as I put more effort into it. I remember when I first became a Christian I was so excited to read about Jesus and God and all the things he had done. It was truly like being in love and wanting to know every and anything. There was some major passion and excitement. Now it’s like “Ugh. I have to read THAT again?” I am starting to think maybe I should join a Bible study because I tend to learn better in a group then alone. I feel like a jerk for feeling so blase about wanting to know more about my faith but I’m in a place where I’m not sure what else there is for me to learn.

I have also joined a challenge at my gym which starts in September. Basically whoever loses the biggest percentage of weight in 8 weeks wins $500 and whoever loses the highest percentage from ALL the gyms wins $5,000. I signed up myself and my husband but I think I made a mistake now. I signed up right after my friend Royal passed away out of fear. He was only 38 and died from weight related health problems. That is only 2 years older then me and so I freaked out and signed us up.

The reason I think it is a mistake is I am extremely competitive and I do not like to lose and when I do lose it destroys me. My husband has a healthier approach of we’re going to lose weight (hopefully) and learn some new workout skills as part of the package is 3 personal training sessions. But the trainer I’ll be working with has given me some exercises to start with before the challenge and I have been in excruciating pain after some of them. I did a whole body workout 2 days ago and my knees and legs still do not want to cooperate with me.

On top of the exercise, I am having food difficulties again. I was following this ketogenic diet where I was eating a lot less carbs and was doing well. Unfortunately I fell off the wagon and have not been able to get back on. Chocolate is literally like heroin to my body. I can’t stop once I start and then the cravings hit every day around the same time of day. I know I should make something else but it’s so darn good. It’s delicious, it’s soothing, and most importantly, it’s quick.

I can do this. But it’s going to take time. So please be patient if I do not blog daily. I am trying to add a lot to my life but this is still important. Any advice on making changes would be appreciated!

Time-for-Change

 

 

It Takes Falling To Appreciate Momentum

I have been sidelined from my life for almost 2 weeks now. As mentioned in previous posts I have been really sick with what was determined to be an Upper Respiratory infection coupled with a clogged ear. I am happy to report that steroids, nasal spray, and antibiotics have all congregated inside my body and had a talk with my immune system and I am on the mend. Not quite 100% yet but definitely not stuck on the couch any longer.

As also mentioned before I don’t do well with being sidelined and forced to make friends with my couch. I do love watching TV and getting caught up on shows or watching a few horror movies, but that gets old after awhile. And then the voices start in my head reminding me of the hundred things that need to get done around the house and how I am falling behind and a failure at being a wife and home owner.

I hate those voices. They paralyze me and prevent me from doing anything which of course causes more depression and hopelessness so I do sit around doing nothing because really, why bother do anything if you’re just going to have to do it over and over and nothing is ever really clean or fixed.

But being forced to be still has shown me just how much progress I had been making. I actually *gasp* miss the gym which has never happened in my entire life! I was actually cooking most night and doing well with it. I do not miss processed food as much as I thought I did.

So yes, slowing down does indeed suck as does being sick. However, if we never had to slow down for a minute we could never really appreciate how far we’ve come.

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Diabetes is a bitch and sometimes so am I

Two days ago I made a blog post that today I’m kind of regretting. I thought about taking it down but in life you can’t just undo things you said so I figured I’d leave it up and learn from it.

I had a great time at my friend’s BBQ. We caught up and talked for awhile since we haven’t seen in each in forever. This was the friend I was griping about with the peppers. It seems so stupid now that I made such a big deal about something so stupid and insignificant. But unfortunately this is a habit that I am working on breaking. I start finding reasons I should not go out and not engage and so I make tiny deals bigger then they need to be to use them as an excuse not to get out of the house.

I love actually seeing my friends, in person, and not just online. I almost always have a great time. But right before leaving this great fear rises up in me and I become shallow and petty and like an animal backed into a corner. This is because I have been hurt so many times that I think subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) that everyone is going to hate me or take advantage of me. I’ve been pushing the boundaries and forcing myself to get out of the house and do things I like such as belonging to two book clubs. Tonight I went to a family success center and we made pillows. Mine looks more like a fluffy taco instead of a square pillow but I was pretty proud of the thing. And two women I know from the book club were there so it was nice to hang out with them. I am learning there are safe spaces to be where I don’t have to be afraid and I can just be me and be accepted. But actually getting out the door was a huge hurdle.

In our one book club we are reading a book by Bren√© Brown called Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. It has been challenging to me and we’re only on chapter 4! One of the questions in the book is “what would you do if you were guaranteed to not fail?” I have rephrased it for myself as “what would I do if fear did not get in my way?” Oh the answers are plentiful. I would write and publish a book. I would take a photography class. I would have a baby or at least look into fostering/adopting. I would already have submitted my grad school application for my MSW.

But fear is a real and powerful enemy of mine. It stops me dead in my tracks and I cannot and will not move. I actually have a fortune cookie taped to my computer that says “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand there.” It’s supposed to motivate me to not stand still. I’m making progress but it’s hard. It is hard to put yourself out there with a very real chance of failure emotionally, financially, and vocationally. But it also scares me to stand still and do nothing with my life.

One day at a time, one step at a time, we can all succeed in some small way every day even if the accomplishment is getting out of bed.

Is my friendship worth $2.25

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So today I did something that I don’t normally do which is to ask a favor of a friend. She is having a BBQ tomorrow and usually there is a lot of stuff to snack on. She had asked me to bring my spinach dip which we, and others, always rave about and love to eat. Normally this dip is served with either cubes of a thick crusty bread or some tortilla chips, depending on the budget that week. Being that I am trying to watch my blood sugar I cannot partake of said tortilla chips (the yummy bread was out of the budget this week). So I asked her if she could have some extra red peppers on hand so that I could still enjoy the dip with everyone. She offered carrots but those are also high in sugar (plus I just hate uncooked carrots. I am not Bugs Bunny!). She got a little defensive and I finally said I would just bring some myself and she thanked me.

Now on the one hand I could look at this like okay she’s having the BBQ and supplying the main dinner foods so asking her to buy me one pepper is going too far. But I mean seriously I wound up buying a bag of FIVE peppers for $2.25. And this is the same friend who, several years ago, invited me to go to the beach with her and two of her friends I never met. On the drive she saw me eating a candy bar and literally took it out of my hands and threw it out the car window and told me I didn’t need it. I’ve never told her how embarrassing that was for me or how much that hurt my feelings. I wasn’t even struggling with Diabetes back then, I was just overweight. I think she was trying to help but it really didn’t. Also the same friend has asked me to be accommodating when she had some medical issues going on and my husband and I were hosting parties. So I made sure there were things there for her to eat because that, to me, is what a friend does.

I asked my husband and my mother in law if I was overreacting and they both agreed that #1 they were proud of me for trying to stick to eating low carb and not just mindlessly eating what I’m used to and #2 that it was a little rude considering the accommodations I made for her in the past. But my mother in law also made the point that everyone is not me and everyone does not host the same. Some are sensitive to others’ needs and others just feel that everyone should just eat what is put in front of them and suck it up if you don’t like it.

I know that this post may seem petty right now. There are wars raging, people dying, and so many bigger things then this going on. But it take a lot for me to ask anyone for literally anything so although I was hurt I guess I did try and that is progress. One day at a time.