Mustard Seed

Oh mustard seed

So tiny and so small

Help me hold on

Because I feel as if I’ll fall

Away from hope

Away from love

Away from any belief

In God up above

The road I’m on is treacherous

The valley dark and wide

I feel I’ve lost all hope

I feel so empty deep inside

So mustard seed please help me

To hold on to the light

Help me get out of this hole

And find the strength to fight.

Escaping Vida

Jemma was a good girl. She did what she was supposed to do whenever she was told to do it. She was loved by the people in the land for her kindness and goodness to all. She was creative and funny, and very intelligent.

Jemma had one enemy in the kingdom. An evil old witch named Vida. Vida did not like anyone to be happy, but especially Jemma. So she cast a curse on Jemma and her husband Jefferson that whenever things were going too well or they became absolutely overcome with joy, something disastrous had to immediately follow. Vida loved to see Jemma suffer because she was too kind and the world should not be kind to nice people.

So for years it went that Jemma would find a short respite of happiness, only to be knocked on her ass five minutes later. Her wedding day? Pure bliss. The rest of the year was a disaster: Jefferson’s aunt passed away, the family cat passed away, and Jemma lost her employment. Jemma and Jefferson finally afforded their own home and immediately things began to go wrong such as the furnace breaking in the middle of winter, Jefferson losing his job and not being able to find another. Stress on top of stress.

So Jemma finally gave up trying to be happy. Instead she buckled down and got to work and paid her bills, and tried to find ways to make it through the days of bleakness. Friends left, too busy with their own lives, careers, and babies, to bother with Jemma and Jefferson even when Jefferson fell in the well and was laid up in bed for days.

One day Jemma had had enough. She marched up to Vida’s door and banged as loud as she could. Vida smiled knowing this day was going to come. “All right you old hag,” screamed Jemma, “I know you cursed me and my husband and I want to know how to break this curse so one of us could be happy.” Vida laughed at the enraged Jemma, so far from the lovely, sweet girl everyone thought she was all those years ago.

“I will give you the knowledge you seek, but once heard, it can never be unheard,” said Vida with her evil grin.

“Just tell me you wicked woman,” snarled Jemma.

“If happiness is what you seek
Then listen close to me
For one to be happy
The other must be set free.” replied Vida

“What the hell do you mean?” asked Vida

“Simple, my child. In order for one of you to be able to experience the full measure of joy without the ever present disaster after, one of you must die to appease the evil spirits holding the curse in place. They will feast on your soul, and while they are busy doing that, I will be able to eliminate them. There is no other way,” cackled Vida.

“Fine, let’s do it,” said Jemma with a deadened look in her eyes

“What?!” said Vida startled at Jemma’s quick agreement to the terms of lifting the curse.

“I can’t live this life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anxious about when the curtain of doom is lowered. I am tired and if it means Jefferson can be happy, really, truly happy, then I’m willing to die for that.”

“Are you sure?” asked Vida curiously. “Once I start the ritual, there is no turning back.

“I’m sure said Jemma,” standing resolutely in front of the old woman.

And so Vida let loose a barrage of lightening at Jemma, stunning her but not killing her. She sent daggers soaring through the air into Jemma’s stomach, arms, and legs. Not enough to kill her of course, but enough to cause her excruciating pain. She lit Jemma’s feet on fire and soon Jemma’s simple dress caught and the fire crawled up her body and lit her hair on fire. Jemma screamed at the pain and agony of it all until finally she fell silent, dead at last.

Vida watched as the shadows crawled out of the walls and towards Jemma’s charred, bleeding, body. There were hundreds in the room feasting on the pure spirit that was formerly Jemma. Finally, as promised, Vida muttered the chant to kill the demons and lift the curse.  A bright burst of white light filled the room and all the shadow demons were killed instantly.

Back at the house, Jefferson woke with a start from his bed. Something had happened, but he wasn’t sure what. He looked all over the house for Jemma but could not find her. As he stepped outside the front door to see if she was in the garden, a beam of pale blue, glittery light enveloped him and he felt a sudden lightness he had never felt before. He wanted to dance, and laugh, and sing, and cry tears of joy, it was so beautiful.

He saw a beautiful woman in a white robe approach the house. She had lovely auburn hair and eyes as green as a four leaf clover. She seemed familiar somehow but she was glowing so it was hard to tell. “Jefferson, my love, you are free to be happy,” she whispered. “Jemma?” he asked bewildered.

“It is I my love. I have allowed the witch to kill me in order to ensure your happiness,” she said smiling at him lovingly.

“No. Jemma….I…I can’t live without you,” said Jefferson

“But you must, or my sacrifice will have been in vain,” said Jemma

“I will see you soon, my love,” said Jefferson as he pulled his hunting dagger from his pocket and slashed his throat.

Jemma stared in horror as her husband laid on the ground bleeding out. She wept bitterly as she realized the full enormity of what she had done. Suddenly she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Hey now, no crying,” said Jefferson behind her. “Now we can be happy together forever.”

And so the two walked hand and hand into eternity together, at last beyond the grip of Vida and her cruelty.

Hope you enjoyed my short story! Comment below but be kind.


Lost In The Darkness

Friday, September 27th, I said a final goodbye to my Aunt Marie. She lost her fight to a rare lung disorder that snatched her up faster then a kid grabs a cookie.

My heart physically hurts. I have been crying on and off since the viewing on Thursday and the day of the funeral, naturally, I was a tearful mess. I went through 2 packages of purse tissues. My husband hugged me and didn’t say much which was exactly what I needed at that moment.

The priest for the funeral looked and acted like someone had woken him from a nap to go and perform a funeral. He actually fell asleep at one point! Then he wound up going to the wrong cemetery so the funeral director wound up doing the grave side service. In his defense, this priest was new to the area so I guess we give him a pass.

My job does not give time off for aunts or uncles, only parents or grandparents (including step-parents and step-grandparents). I took off Friday for obvious reasons and Monday because I need it. I need to be able to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone along with my Uncle Peter a few years ago.

Every time I think about going back to work, my heart pounds out of control, I feel sick, and I start shaking. I feel the same fear I would feel if someone was chasing me with a chainsaw and not because they were excited to get to my lawn. My job has literally driven me to the brink of insanity. My boss changed my time sheet without even consulting me before turning it in which in itself made me angry. Then there are the twenty or so e-mail waiting to tell me how wrong I am in everything and how I’m not doing enough. Just typing this I feel ready to burst into tears.

I know it is long overdue for me to leave this company. While I love what I do, the pressure to complete more and more within the same amount of time per week is overwhelming and exhausting. It has caused me to spiral into a deep depression that I can’t seem to get out of. All I want to do is sleep or kill myself.

I’m tired of losing people, I’m tired of bills, I’m tired of going to church and feeling so empty and hollow inside. I’m tired of feeling like a failure. I’m tired of not having any energy to do anything, even things I love. I am just tired of life. And I’m really tired of trying to explain depression and anxiety to people that don’t understand and think I should just “snap out of it” “think positively” and my favorite “you just need to have faith.” My faith is dead. I know God is there but I don’t think he cares about me anymore. I have no more faith that things are going to get better and I’m too tired to try to get off the ground. If I wind up dead it is because I gave my all and I couldn’t give anymore. I feel that I am doing the world  a favor by going away.

But  I don’t even think God would be merciful enough to let me die. He’d rather watch me be miserable and hurt and cry. Sometimes I think he gets enjoyment out of it. But maybe I’m wrong. Sorry if this is bleak. This is my only safe outlet to say these things because I work in the mental health field and you can’t talk to your co-workers about it, definitely not your boss, and all my friends are busy with their children and their own lives. Nobody wants to hear this because nobody knows how to fix it. So if you read this thanks for being there.

Heartbreak On Top Of Heartbreak

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do this life. I can’t even try to pretend I have faith anymore. I know God is there and that He loves some people but I think I must have done too many things wrong to be loved anymore. Or perhaps I am just a joke to Him.

My job is killing me. Literally. Like my stress level is so high I am having physical pain in my chest and I constantly am stress eating which is awesome when you have Type 2 Diabetes . Parents I work with are abusive to me, they lie, and they don’t want to let go of services so it all falls on my head. I’m the bad guy. I’m the jerk saying hey your kid is stable, time to go. Even though the damn therapists say the same damn thing I am always the one getting blamed for “not caring.” My whole freaking job is caring. But I am starting to not care anymore. I am tired of putting out effort with no return except constant abuse. And when you try to explain to your boss how stressed out you are you just get “just don’t take it so personally,” “stop being sensitive,” “you need to reset yourself.” Some days I seriously consider ending my life at work and leaving a note on my chest that says “Please find the positive in THIS.”

My Pop Pop is not doing well. He had a stroke about two months ago and has been in a nursing home ever since. He is mean, cranky, and abusive to the nursing staff and my grandmother. He tells her she doesn’t care about him and has abandoned him to die Even though she visits him five times a week). Then he begs her to not leave and to bring him ice cream. He’s 97 years old so I get maybe it’s his time to go, but why couldn’t God just let him go to sleep? Why put his daughter Linda and my grandmother through all this abuse? My grandmother is practically a saint in my eyes. She has stood by me through so much. She believed me about my mom abusing me when nobody else would. She encouraged me, helped me to believe in God even when I wanted to just give up. Now even she is questioning why all this crap is happening.

Today I found out my Aunt Marie is probably going to pass away soon because she has an infection in her lungs and she needs a lung transplant but it’s not looking good. She is currently in an induced coma to keep her body calm. She just retired this year in May after 42 years of teaching! And this is the thanks she gets. Dying when she would finally have more time to be with her grand babies. I guess I should be grateful that God allowed her to have one final vacation with all of her kids and grand kids this summer before he snatches her away.

My mother in law let my husband and I know last night that my husband’s sister is probably getting divorced because her husband is potentially cheating on her and also he doesn’t want to do anything in the house to help her or their two wonderful children. These kids are like perfect, no lie. So on top of being sad for her, now I’ve lost my mother in law as a support because she is going to be all wrapped up in my sister in law (as she should, don’t get me wrong).

I can no longer attend my church because one of the grandparents I work with has decided to attend there and will not stop harassing me at church for things. I need this. I want that. Give me this. Give me that. When are you doing A-Z for me? I’m not supposed to have work conversations in public due to protecting the child’s privacy. But she doesn’t care and now I can’t go there.

I am destroyed emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don’t even know how I’m going to get up tomorrow and put up with work on top of all of this.


broken heart


I go about my day

Wishing things would be okay
And sometimes they are but most of the time they are not
Nobody hears
The tortured screams inside

To them, I am a happy, kind, sweet person
One who is gentle and loving, giving they all they need.

Deep inside depression eats away at me
Ignorant of any love thrown my way
Every day I wish I was someone else.

What Would You Say: A Poem

*WARNING* Some parts of my poem below are pretty graphic. I apologize to anyone who is offended ahead of time. This is how I get through my depression. *

What would you say
If I told you that every day I want to die
That every step, every breath, every daily requirement
Is total torture and requires the strength of Superman
Just to get though 24 hours in one piece

What would you say
If I told you that I cry but tears never dot my cheeks
It is an internal maelstrom of rage, and hatred
Frustration, fear, anxiety, and so much more
All directed at myself but silent
So no one is bothered

What would you say
If I told you that I hated my friends all pregnant and plump
Parading their bellies full of babies like some trophy
Some unattainable prize I will never win
And that some days I just want to rip my uterus out
Because it is defective and so am I

What would you say
If I told you that I fantasize about sending letters
Full of cruel words that are stuck in my head
To parents I try to help but who are never satisfied
A system that is broken
And politicians who only care about the bottom line

What would you say
If they found me at my desk bleeding and pale
Because the expectations were too high
The pay was too low
And the praise was never enough.

You will say nothing
Because I will never say anything
And we will all pretend it’s okay
Until one of us collapses underneath the weight
Of a world too heavy to bear

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, And Climbing Back On

I know it has been roughly 2 weeks since I last wrote a blog. Things have been hectic around here at home and I have been so stressed that I could barely get myself through the door and onto the couch most nights. So here is a recap of what’s been going on.

I have all but quit the Edge Challenge. I was so excited. I thought this would finally make a difference for me. But sadly a few blows to my self-esteem occurred, along with a doubled workload at work (naturally without an increase in pay), and then I decided to take a group exercise class and hurt my back so I’ve been unable to workout since last Saturday. I also decided (stupidly) that I would go to the first weigh in for the challenge and found out I had only lost 0.6 pounds. After almost 2 weeks of busting my ass at the gym. Then yesterday the standings came out and a bunch of people have already lost 8% of their body weight so I feel like why should I bother trying? I’m going to wind up a loser just like I always am.

My trainer, Morgan, said we are going to have a chat tonight when I go to the gym (if I go to the gym). I know she’s going to be all peppy and tell me not to quit but I honestly feel like what’s the point anymore? This has been a battle I have been fighting with myself since I was six years old and discovered my love of all things chocolate. Why is this so freaking hard. The pounds pack on so easily, why is it so hard to get them off? Why is this such a freaking emotional battle?

Food is a friend who has turned into an enemy. Food is comforting, it takes away my pain, and it makes me feel better when I’m stressed out and just want to stop feeling my feelings for five minutes because they are so intense I can’t take it. But then after comes the shame and the guilt and the feelings of failure. So that brief reprieve is followed by hours of guilt and body shaming.

Is there an end to this? I don’t know. Tonight I went to Cold Stone Creamery, which is an ice cream place near me, to have ice cream tacos. This is why I am up at 4:30am instead of sleeping. I would like to just get outside my body for one day and be able to objectively look at myself and my life and figure out a way to help myself and stop beating the shit out myself. Can someone please invent a machine that does that?!

My doc increased my depression meds and gave me B-12 shots to take every 2 weeks to boost my energy levels. I’m hoping it helps. I just feel like I have no more hope at all. Life is going to be this endless cycle of feeling bad, working to get by, and never truly being happy at all. Mental illness is a bitch and I hate it with my whole being. But I will keep trying to fight the good fight.

Ta Ta For Now


I Am No Longer Tubthumping

There is no point in trying
No point in getting up
Stay down on the ground
Don’t make a sound
And maybe the storm will pass

Put on a happy face
Smile, Smile, Smile
They say share your troubles
But then your sadness doubles
When no one wants to listen

Every day is the same
Every minute, Every hour
Bills piled high
Days end with a sigh
And you wonder why you even bother

Be still, be quiet
Hear the ache
Of a heart that’s sad
A soul gone bad
And the desire to try is abandoned

Emptiness screeches
Like an owl gone mad
Loneliness encroaches
Death approaches
And you run open armed to him

They try to pull you back
But you pull away
There’s nothing to do
You are through
Trying to make everyone happy

Dementors Are All Around

I have noticed a lot of deaths by suicide lately. As a worker in the field of mental health this is very disturbing to me. As a person with depression I get it. I see the appeal. Days, weeks, months, years of mental torture, public stigma, gallons and gallons of medication that never quite make you feel normal. And you could end it all in an instant. One action to end all the pain. But then there are those you’ve left behind. And they are left with shattered hearts, feelings of guilt for not knowing (because we who are depressed and anxious often hide it well from the world, at least until we can’t anymore).

My heart aches for all these families who have lost incredible people both celebrities and those we will never meet. I wish, just like in Harry Potter, I could send out an endless supply of chocolate to chase away the dementors that plague others. For those who have not read the series, dementors are creatures that suck the soul out of someone and when they are around intense feelings of sadness, hopelessness and despair are felt.

We need to connect with one another. Not over Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. We need to turn the computer off and physically go and talk to people and REALLY listen instead of just waiting for a chance to get our two cents in the conversation. There is too much me me me lately instead of we and us.

Please spread some love today. You could literally save a life.