I apologize I have not really written anything this week. Almost a month later I am still trying to get rid of this infernal upper respiratory infection. I sometimes believe I should go into my doctor’s office and ask if we can pretend this is actually my third visit so we can get the right treatment on the first try. *SIGH*
I have had a lot of time to think over the past few weeks and the thoughts have been swirling around me like a dust tornado making it impossible to see very clearly or to think rationally. I know there are things I need to be doing or should be doing. But instead I stay frozen and immobile. I’m exhausted and I have limited energy right now. I honestly could care less about anything except my family, my husband, and my comfy cozy bed right now. I literally made a fortress of pillows around me this afternoon and took an hour nap. I was exhausted physically and mentally.
I had two meetings this week that were extremely stressful. Both families are extremely difficult to work with. One family has a mother that makes me a nervous wreck because if you do not answer her texts and e-mails immediately (like 20 seconds after you receive it) she flies off the handle. She also tends to scream at everyone involved with her child. The other family has a father that screamed at me so badly two weeks ago that I could barely drive home from the meeting because I was shaking and crying.
Both meetings went very well and nobody screamed or yelled or flew off the handle. The mother at the first meeting told me that she could tell I cared very much about her child and I was the epitome of calm and patience. The father at the second meeting initially was a little bristly but by the end of the meeting was calm and rational and we were able to get the whole family on the same page.
The lead up to both of these meetings (thankfully not on the same day) was horrendous for me. I could barely breathe while driving to the first one and almost had a full blown panic attack before the other. My boss literally had to pull me into a conference room and help me calm down and talk about my fears for the meeting. And yet I still had an overwhelming feeling of dread, anxiety, and a strong desire to run out of the building and find a new field of work. My heart raced, my palms sweated, and both of my arms went numb. I literally thought I was having a heart attack. But I got through it. I survived and felt so much better for it.
I don’t always have the confidence to believe I am capable of doing things that are necessary. I try always to keep the peace and when I sense conflict or an argument because it makes me uncomfortable. But I am starting to learn that if I want to be in this line of work I need to find ways to have confidence in myself even if others are tearing me down because they are scared, upset, angry, or frustrated. I didn’t make the system I just work within it and I will continue to do so with dignity and courage and above all else LOVE. I was torn down but I was built back up by an awesome supervisor who believed in me. May you all have someone in your life who can do that for you ❤