Today Was One Of Those Days

Everyone has a bad day at work every now and then. You cry, you scream, watch a movie, play a video game, pet your cat, and move on. Bad days come and go and sometimes you can even laugh about them.

Then there are the days that make you question why you are in this field and if you actually have any faith left in humanity anymore. Today was one of those days.

This week has been crisis after crisis. Then I get a new referral for a family. And it’s a doozy. I can’t share details for obvious reasons (HIPPA Privacy Laws and wanting to keep my job and all that). But this family knocked me on my ass, ripped out my heart, stomped on it a few times, and left me totally speechless and crying for all the pain they have been through.

I don’t understand how human beings can be so cruel to one another. I really don’t get it. Then they drag their children through their mess not caring about the damage they are doing. It is so unconscionable. The damage done as a child can have long lasting effects. It can literally change the way the brain operates in the future and not in a good way. I can personally attest to this.

Please pray for this family tonight. I can’t give any details but just pray for comfort, healing, and peace. Also pray that I can hold myself together enough to be of use to this family and that I will have the right words they need to hear.

The People/Personalities In My Head

Raven is what I have called my dark side, my depressive, downcast and miserable self. I picture her as my emo self back in high school.

Mia is my over the top, angry, excitable girl who flies off the handle at everything. She is my Taurus and stubborn Irish side. I picture her as an overweight, red headed cutie that others love to be around until she flies off the handle.

Harmony is the side that tries to keep it all in balance. She is my rational side. She is hard to access but when I can, she is really helpful. Sometimes friends and family have to remind me she’s still there. I picture her as kind of a hippie with long flowing clothes that have flowers, wears a flower crown and is gentle to all. She is my peaceful side.

Little Jenny is my true heart and center. She is the one that still hopes and dreams and refuses to let her little light die. I picture her as a cherubic child wearing a white little dress like you would see a flower girl wear to a wedding. She has curly hair, and there are little bells on her dress that tinkle as she moves. She is pure love and light. She is the hardest to access because she is usually buried under all the worries, concerns, and anger I sometimes feel. But when I do access her, WOW! Meditation and Yoga tend to help me get to her.

It helps me to categorize these feelings and moods as other people because I always feel I can help other people. So if I’m having a bad day, then I can say Oh that’s just Raven again. Raven basically was responsible for my last blog post. But I can help Raven by accessing other “people” or parts of myself.

I know this sounds weird but I have been trying to explain my head to other people and why I feel the way I do and this is the best way to get it across.

I had breakfast with a friend yesterday and I took a day off work and it definitely helped. My doc also upped my sleep meds so I got a decent night’s sleep which also helped. Hopefully Raven can take a nap soon so that I can concentrate better at work and stop being so miserable.

Sending you all love and the light of God. ❤

Spring Forward

I know it’s been awhile since I posted anything new. I wish I had a good reason such as things are spectacular and life is grand and I can’t WAIT to tell you all the good news. Sadly, this is not that post.

Every year around March, for some unknown reason, we spring our clocks ahead for an hour. I know back in the day it had something to do with farming but we are not all farmers now. I usually have an easy time adjusting to this change more than the one where we go back. But right now I’m struggling with changes of any kind.

I want some stability. I want to Spring Forward to the place where I don’t give a crap what anyone says about me but I can still handle it gracefully. I want to Spring Forward to that place where everything is okay, the pandemic is over, people are done being extreme assholes in the name of their “freedom,” people stop bitching about the election on both sides of the fence, and we can get back to a country we can be proud of again.

Everything feels so extreme right now. Facebook is a minefield you have to navigate to keep your friends and family from hating you. My mother in law is convinced that every time we leave the house we’re going to die and is fully convinced we are going to be a Socialist country soon and all our rights are being taken away and everything we worked hard to earn is going to be gone in a puff of smoke. She told me to get a safe and put all my money in it and then cut a hole in my floor to hide it.

I am tired of being scared. I am tired of anxiety. I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of all the complaining, the whining, the “canceling” of things, the everyone being offended by everything and being so damn sensitive you can’t even say God Bless you without being offended that you said the word God. Give me a break, seriously. Maybe what this country needs is a giant Kit-Kat bar to take a break, then a Snickers bar to release the hangry, some puppies and kitties, and babies and whatever else is adorable to get the focus off the hate.

My heart hurts. My head hurts. I just want to give up. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I’m just so tired. It feels like it will never end, never get better. My faith is kinda there but not. My job makes me cry constantly. I can’t sleep, I’m stress eating, and I cope by playing video games, burning candles, reading books, and playing on my cell to just numb me so I don’t have to think. I can’t concentrate at work, I’m falling behind, my team is a wreck, and I just can’t find the energy to care.

I’ve had so many goals for my life that are never going to be accomplished and that brings me so down. I’m going to be 39 in April and what do I have to show for it? Maybe a dozen kids total who I actually was helpful to and a ton of parents who think I am a piece of garbage.

So I came here tonight to vent. To cry and type, and try to get some of it out. Because the pain is a poison in my soul that leaves no room for love or light to get in. Please say a prayer for me. I really could use some right now.

Sending some love to all my fellow writers and readers. Hang in there even if it is by the slimmest of threads. Some day it will get better even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Peace, Love and Kitten Kisses ❤