To My Best Friend Who Just Had A Baby

You, my best friend, had a baby on Friday! She’s tiny, gorgeous, and perfectly healthy. A new life born to do good, bad and everything in between. You are one more in a string of friends that have recently had babies. Everywhere I go, I am surrounded by adorable pictures of adorable kids doing adorable things.

Outside I coo and I make cute noises and I could just eat up every single one of them. I snuggle the few I’m allowed to see. They are each beautiful in their own unique ways.

Inside I cry, I rage, and I beat the hell out of myself for not doing this thing that is the epitome of womanhood. I can already feel you drifting away from me. It started with you telling me not to come see you at the hospital and then not to visit until you are “ready.”

I get it. You want some private time with the new love of your life. You want grandmom and grand-pop to come and snuggle her up and make her laugh. You want close family to come and adore this life you created and celebrate with you and your husband. The same husband who STILL did not build the crib for her (I seriously want to hit him for that). She’s been alive barely two days and already you are so in love you can’t imagine life without her. I get it. I really do.

But I miss you. I miss our long talks, and our laughter, and our friendship. I miss being able to call you up and get and give comfort. I miss our passion and our absolute faith in God. Did you know I’m struggling right now to know if what I believe is true? How could you? We barely see each other as both of us settled into our careers, me a Social Worker, and you one of the best damn middle school History teachers out there.

I miss all of my friends that have joined the Sisterhood of Motherhood. It is a club I am excluded from. And I am so happy you got in because you wanted this for so long. But I wish I was there too. I wish we could have our kids grow up together and marvel at all the small miracles like when they first roll over, or crawl, or walk, or say that first precious word. But the door has been firmly shut in my face by friend, after friend, after friend and even a few family members. It’s not that you shut the door unkindly. It is just a space I don’t belong and can’t understand because I am not a mother.

So congratulations my dear friend. I am so thrilled about the journey you and your husband are now on. I will miss you but should you need me, I will come running. After all, that is what best friends are for.

 

It’s 5AM on a Saturday

The light in the sky is barely visible.
I have not slept in four days.
I have not needed to.
Thoughts race across my brain at the speed of light,
Maybe even faster
As I stare at the beautiful cross between night and morning

I am driving now
I don’t remember starting the car
But here I am on empty roads
Driving everywhere, nowhere
While the world is snuggled in bed

It is peaceful
But too terribly quiet
I want to get out of my car and scream
WAKE UP!
Can’t you see there are so many things to do,
To experience, to learn, to go to

Instead, I drive because I know
I am TOO MUCH right now
Too loud, too fast, non-sensical
Or so they say
Because in my mind I am brilliant
Sparkling, and capable of anything

I speed down the highway going 90
Nobody is around at this hour
Not even the cops
Who like to haul you into the doctors
Who tell you you’re crazy and
YOU NEED TO COME DOWN

Well keep your rainbow colored buzz killers
I will float on down the road like the princess I am
I have knowledge that I must spread to all the people
I am invincible, I am strong, I am
Tired?

And just like that the party is over and it’s time to go home
Time to snuggle in my blankets and not come out again.
My spark is gone, my joy floated away
And I am alone, all alone
In nothingness

How Do You Know When You’ve Gone Mad?

How does one know when they have completely lost their mind?
Is it when the doctor says so with a flourish of their pen
As they completely ignore you as you speak
Because you are in fact mad.

Is it when the people that are supposed to help
Supposed to soothe the ravaged soul
Instead rip and tear it further apart
Because you don’t fit into their pretty idea of normal

Is it when the place that gave you purpose
Gave you meaning and a reason to get up
Is suddenly snatched away like a house gone in a tornado
Leaving you with nothing but a memory of a better time

Is it when the innocence is taken
And the eyes are opened
And the world is exposed
For the snarling, cruel beast it really is

Or is it a girl
Typing out the words
Trying to make sense
Of the incomprehensible

Who Should I Be Now?

Who should I be now
Which way should I go
For I’ve been plucked from the path
And thrown

Into a forest of confusion
Into a lake of despair
I really don’t know
Where do I go from here.

I’ve been on the previous path
All of my days
But I can no longer walk that path
They’ve taken it away

So I sit here
In suspended animation
Unsure where to go next.

It is safe to not venture out
But the anxiety is crawling through the window
Depression is breaking down the door
And soon it will not be safe here anymore.

So I sit here
Feet tucked in
Knees to head
And wonder where I’ll go
Now I’ve reached my end.

Another Womanly Milestone

Today I had my first mammogram. It was not as painful as some described it to be, but it was also not a fun new way to spend your morning either. The procedure was very matter of fact, and within 10 minutes I was all done and sent on my way.

When I left, I felt a little bewildered. Honestly there is such momentum around “save the tatas” and breast cancer awareness that it felt like this should be a big deal. After all, it’s one of many milestones women have in their lives such as getting your first period, shaving for the first time, and of course the dreaded (and yet not always so) menopause. I felt like I at least deserved a Hershey kiss or something.

I also left feeling sad. It may sound crazy but I wanted my mom in that moment. I wanted to talk to her about it and conspire about her first one too and if it was any different. I wanted her to tell me she was proud of me for going. But my mom is dead and even if she was alive we would not have had that special moment because that was not the kind of relationship we had. I have been kind of distant from my BFF lately because she seems happiest with her extroverted mom friends and I am neither extroverted nor a mother. My husband checked in from work to see if I was okay, but while sweet, was not the same as having another woman to share this with.

Maybe I am crazy and should realize this is just another indignity that women have to go through as they get older. Maybe it really is no big deal and I’m being weird. But I feel like this should be a bigger deal. There should be chocolate or a nice dinner out or something to celebrate this momentous occasion. Throw some confetti or something!! I slapped my second most private part on a slab and you squished it like an Italian woman smashing grapes to make wine. Can I at least get a good job on the way out the door?

Maybe that is something I can do while I am looking for a job. Make some goodie bags for my local screening center to give to women who got a mammogram so they realize how special a moment it is and how special they are for taking care of themselves. Thoughts?

Just For The Record…

Telling someone who is depressed that they just have to try harder at being happy is the same as telling a cancer patient they just have to try harder at not having cancer.

Every person who experiences mental illness is different so there is no universal treatment plan. Just because something works for most people does not mean it works for ALL people.

Psychiatrists and APNs need to stop shaming patients when a medication does not work for them or causes side effects that are making everyday life a major struggle. It should not be “okay” that a person is curled up in a ball with stomach pain or falling asleep midday because the medication makes them too tired to function. Just like treatment modalities, medications are not one size fits all.

Employers in the mental health, medical, and social work fields need to realize that their workers are human beings too and there is only so far you can push someone before they snap or leave. Shaming and firing employees for having mental health concerns in these fields is reprehensible.
Psychiatrists and APNs need to stop shaming patients when a medication does not work for them or causes side effects that are making everyday life a major struggle. It should not be “okay” that a person is curled up in a ball with stomach pain or falling asleep midday because the medication makes them too tired to function. Just like treatment modalities, medications are not one size fits all.

Employers in the mental health, medical, and social work fields need to realize that their workers are human beings too and there is only so far you can push someone before they snap or leave. Shaming and firing employees for having mental health concerns in these fields is reprehensible.

The entirety of the mental health system in this country needs a major overhaul. This post is a result of listening to friends and family who have suffered in the system and want to see change.

Fake Smiles Cover Broken Hearts

You told me I was sad and crazy
Needed pills to make me less lazy
So I took them

You told me I was flying too high
Too far, too fast, too free
So I took more pills to come down

I filled out worksheets
Talked for hours
Was ignored for days

I sat in suspension
In hospital ERs
While you told me to get it together

I tried to leave for good
But you begged me to stay
Said you needed me more than air

So I stuck around
Planted a smile on my face
And secretly die inside daily

The pain tears
Straight through my soul
And I can’t breathe

The fear is crippling
A sea to drown in
With no one to hear

But I have a smile
And a kind heart
So it’s okay
Or so they say

© Jenny 2023

Things You Miss When You Go To The Psych Ward

I was recently inpatient in the hospital for some psych treatment as walking in front of a car because your life seems meaningless is apparently frowned upon. Here is a list, in no particular order, of the things I missed while I was inpatient.

Shoelaces: It’s very hard to walk around in shoes without shoelaces. It wears on your ankles but it’s too damn cold to walk around in only hospital socks. So you walk around all day like Bozo the Clown.

Pillows: If you have always dreamed of sleeping on a pillow flatter than an index card and as hard as titanium, then the hospital is for you. Seriously two pillows, one stuffed with a balled up hospital gown, and it can still kill the neck muscles.

Blankets: Blankets are a commodity and are hard to come by. So if you’re constantly colder than Cruella Deville at a puppy show, then you are out of luck. However, if you tend to run around like a polar bear, please know that your room will be as hot as Hades and the need for said blanket will be moot.

Your Bed: If you have a soft fluffy bed at home that you can snuggle down into and feel like you’re going to fall asleep on a cloud, you are in for a rude awakening. The hard plastic mattress does not care that you are a grown ass person that needs some support. It will drive into your body the way Drogo’s fist did in Rocky’s face. You will survive but there will be damage.

Family/Friends: Yes they drive you crazy. Yes sometimes you want to just tell them all to go to hell and shut up. However, when you are forced to spend days apart from one another, phone calls just don’t cut it. People suffering from depression need family and friends to support them and they should not be limited to when they are able to see the patient.

Physical Affection: Psych wards are no touching zones for various (and sometimes good) reasons. However, when you are in the middle of a panic attack, sometimes that touch on the shoulder or a hug afterwards is needed. Some days you may feel that you are the most unlovable creature on the planet and a simple hug can go a long way.

Sleeping: Aside from the uncomfortable bed, pillow, and blanket situations, you are required to be observed at least every 15 minutes while in the hospital for your safety. This means even when it is 3AM and you have left the door open because you know someone is going to be coming in to check on you, they will still inevitably make the door click loudly enough to wake you at least 3 times every night.

Real Therapy: When you are inpatient in the hospital, everyone is there for various reasons. This means that therapy cannot be tailored to you and your needs and there will be generic groups on generic topics like substance abuse (which is bad M’Kay) even if you don’t have a substance abuse problem. You may also run into people that are so burnt out with their jobs that they don’t want to give you even that, so they will just play music and call it a group therapy activity.

Personal Items: Everything can be bad for you on a psych ward so they tend to keep most of your personal items locked up such as hairbrushes, body wash, shampoo, perfume, or anything with a string. So no pants with strings, no PJ pants with strings, no shirts with strings, etc. You also can’t have jewelry and if you just got a piercing, you are screwed and yes they will let that hole close up.

Fresh Air: When you go inpatient, chances are they are not going to take you outside, especially in the winter because you know cold air isn’t refreshing at all. So you will breathe the same air in the same spaces for the next 3-7 days. Combine this with hospital food and you will never appreciate a 35 degree day again as much as the day that you leave.

I would like to tell you that after my stay in the hospital I had a new lease on life, felt oh so better, and realized my life has meaning and purpose. Truthfully, the trip was not really helpful and caused more stress than it solved. But it did help me appreciate the people in my life who love me and care about me and that is important so I can’t say it was a total waste.

I am doing some follow up treatment which hopefully will be helpful. I am still here and that means there is still a chance that things will get better. So for my fellow depression, anxiety, and PTSD sufferers, I see you, I feel you, and I respect your courage to try one more day. We are in this together.

Grieving the Life I’d Thought I’d Live

Grieving the Life I Thought I’d Live | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/August-2022/Grieving-the-Life-I-Thought-I-d-Live

This was a very good article on mental illness and how living with one can be a grieving process for the things you lose that others don’t really think about.

Happy New Year

The clock struck 12
And the people cheered
Another day
Another New Year

We feel hope in the air
As we sing Auld Lang Syne
Another year of possibilities
To strengthen and renew the mind

The gyms will be full tomorrow
Because the ads tell us “go”
You have to hate your body
The commercials told you so

The lights disappear
The tree is taken down
Credit card companies smile
While the rest of us frown

We go back to work
We go back to school
After such warm holiday memories
It almost seems cruel

So as we prepare to hunker down
For another crazy year
I wish you all joy and love
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Thank you for reading my blog! I hope your year is filled with love, light, and peace. May angels watch over you and your family this year as we do the best we can at any given moment. And if your holidays were not so grand, I give you an extra dose of love and hugs from me to you.

Rainbow Dance

Here they come
The doctors in white
To do the rainbow dance
To prove their right

Here is a capsule
One pink, one blue
Because we all know
What is best for you

In the morning
Pills white with green
You’ll be the happiest
That you have ever been

Mid-day purple
For your indigestion
Why is that happening?
How dare you question!

She’s become agitated
Fire shots in the rear
Don’t worry or fuss
We’ve got you my dear

Here is some yellow
To numb the pain
Who cares if you
Cannot use your brain

Helping, helping’s what we do
It’s what we’re all about
Here are some white pills
To help you numb out

If you can hear me in there
I’ll walk you to bed
See isn’t that better
Aren’t you glad you’re not dead!

Patient calm
She’s in a trance
And so ends today’s
Rainbow dance.