Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, And Climbing Back On

I know it has been roughly 2 weeks since I last wrote a blog. Things have been hectic around here at home and I have been so stressed that I could barely get myself through the door and onto the couch most nights. So here is a recap of what’s been going on.

I have all but quit the Edge Challenge. I was so excited. I thought this would finally make a difference for me. But sadly a few blows to my self-esteem occurred, along with a doubled workload at work (naturally without an increase in pay), and then I decided to take a group exercise class and hurt my back so I’ve been unable to workout since last Saturday. I also decided (stupidly) that I would go to the first weigh in for the challenge and found out I had only lost 0.6 pounds. After almost 2 weeks of busting my ass at the gym. Then yesterday the standings came out and a bunch of people have already lost 8% of their body weight so I feel like why should I bother trying? I’m going to wind up a loser just like I always am.

My trainer, Morgan, said we are going to have a chat tonight when I go to the gym (if I go to the gym). I know she’s going to be all peppy and tell me not to quit but I honestly feel like what’s the point anymore? This has been a battle I have been fighting with myself since I was six years old and discovered my love of all things chocolate. Why is this so freaking hard. The pounds pack on so easily, why is it so hard to get them off? Why is this such a freaking emotional battle?

Food is a friend who has turned into an enemy. Food is comforting, it takes away my pain, and it makes me feel better when I’m stressed out and just want to stop feeling my feelings for five minutes because they are so intense I can’t take it. But then after comes the shame and the guilt and the feelings of failure. So that brief reprieve is followed by hours of guilt and body shaming.

Is there an end to this? I don’t know. Tonight I went to Cold Stone Creamery, which is an ice cream place near me, to have ice cream tacos. This is why I am up at 4:30am instead of sleeping. I would like to just get outside my body for one day and be able to objectively look at myself and my life and figure out a way to help myself and stop beating the shit out myself. Can someone please invent a machine that does that?!

My doc increased my depression meds and gave me B-12 shots to take every 2 weeks to boost my energy levels. I’m hoping it helps. I just feel like I have no more hope at all. Life is going to be this endless cycle of feeling bad, working to get by, and never truly being happy at all. Mental illness is a bitch and I hate it with my whole being. But I will keep trying to fight the good fight.

Ta Ta For Now

 

Finishing Even If You Crawl There

Today was day #3 of my Edge Challenge. Today was not a good day. I did not sleep well last night and so I didn’t get to the gym until close to 10:30am. My husband and I had a lot of errands to run today so I decided to take a Zumba class instead of doing weight lifting today. Zumba is basically a dance class where you do a dance routine to very upbeat and bouncy music. You jump a lot, spin around a lot, and generally act like a jumping bean. Coordination is very helpful. I am not coordinated.

I won’t say the class was a disaster. I had fun even if I was going left while everyone else was going right and I can’t jump because of my knee and foot. So I made up my own moves. I shook my hips all over the place. I refused to give up even if it meant collapsing at the end. And I made it. All 50 minutes of it and I actually did not die. The teacher, Sandy, was awesome and encouraging. She said she hoped I would come back next week.

For the rest of the day my legs ached, my feet throbbed, and I generally felt exhausted. This getting fit stuff is not for the weak. But I will get up and try something else tomorrow. I am determined not to fail.

My teacher Sandy was awesome!

This is Tina. She took the class with me. We killed it or it killed us. Depends on perspective LOL!

It’s The Good Kind Of Ouch

Day#2 of the challenge and I am sore. My back and abs are killing me. I worked out with the trainer tonight and she kicked my butt but she also pushed me to do way more then I thought I could so that was good! I feel very proud of myself and the best part is my blood sugar was down to 170 this morning which is awesome because for the past 2 months or so it has been about 249. I still have a ways to go but I feel confident I can do this. Please remind me that I said this when I can’t stand up straight tomorrow. I also started a video blog of the challenge on my YouTube channel to keep me accountable. I figure if I can’t get to writing I can at least keep track of my progress in quick videos.

Also in the light of fitness I would like to wish my friend and co-blogger Stephen a lot of luck as he runs Causeway Coast Marathon tomorrow. I know he’s going to do amazing as he has been training hard and has a lovely family behind him cheering him all the way as well as fellow bloggers and friends like me! Check out his blog here. He is a much better writer then I am and I love reading his posts. He also runs a flash fiction contest every once in awhile and while there is no prize it’s a fun challenge for those that enjoy writing for the sake of writing.

Today at work I also had a victory. I was able to talk to a parent about closing services for her son so he could be placed in a higher level of care. I was terrified she was going to scream at me but she actually accepted my logic in a calm manner and agreed he needed something more. I was so happy! I know the kid was upset but I really feel that we made the right decision as a team. He’s a good kid inside once you get past the bravado and threats that he makes.

Have a great night everyone! This is me and my trainer Morgan! She’s super awesome!

It’s Going To Be A Mental Game

Can I just say that I am grateful for my husband? This man is amazing and has the capacity to put up with so…much…whining. It’s day one of the fitness challenge I am in and I was completely intimidated by my workout routine my trainer gave me. I almost quit before I even started because it just seemed like too much. But my lovely, lovely husband made me go and told me to do my best. So off we went.

I whined, complained, said I was going to quit about 5 times, almost cried at one point, but still I finished. I had to replace one exercise with another and modify another exercise due to having zero core strength, but STILL I FINISHED. I ate semi-decently and even though I would LOVE a snack right now I know I’ve eaten slightly over my calories and that it’s a bad idea. My husband is right there with me and we are trying to distract ourselves with doing things like blogging and watching TV.

This challenge is going to be a mental game for me. How bad do I really want this? Am I ready to make the changes necessary to improve my health permanently? I guess only time will tell. Thanks for listening ❤

Kickoff Night

Well ladies and gents I just started my 56 day journey to getting healthier and eating better. I have included some pictures below of our first night together as a group below. It was definitely a party to kick this whole challenge off. We had a DJ, lights, balloons, the works! The trainers were definitely all hyped up on caffeine and energy drinks because it was getting late and they were still bouncing off the walls. My friend/brother in law came over and hugged me at one point and told me he was proud of me for trying this.

I am scared of failure. I am scared of eating my way out of all the work I’m going to do.  My trainer gave me a new workout schedule and holy smokes did it blow the top off the last one she gave me. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to be able to walk or function with the level these are at. But I guess I have to try. Wish Me Luck!!

Here is where the trainers plotted before the challenge!

 

Entrance to the group exercise room/party central

Kicking It Off with some Fun!!

Trainers encouraging us to try our best. My brother in law is the one with the microphone here.

Not my best picture but I was a little excited when I left!

The Night Before the Challenge

Yesterday, as you can probably tell from my last post, was a pretty rotten day. My husband was laid off from work, again, and of course because we lost an income everything and it’s mother is going wrong. He needs new tires, my rear view mirror in my car is swinging like a pendulum for some unknown reason, we recently decided to convert our home from oil heat to gas heat and that costs thousands of dollars and we can’t push it off any longer because the oil is backing up into the house and making us sick when we run it and we have soot everywhere in our laundry room despite the fact that we are not even running the heat right now.

Tomorrow we start the weight loss challenge at our gym together. I want to be excited and maybe an itty bitty part of me is, but it is drowned out by voice in my head screaming through a megaphone, YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE! YOU ARE A LOSER AND YOU WERE STUPID TO SIGN UP FOR THIS CHALLENGE! YOU’RE GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT AND EVERYONE IS GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU AT THE FINAL WEIGH IN! YOU ARE A LARD ASS!! Isn’t my inner world so wonderful?!

Eating healthy and exercising have always been a challenge for me. I have gotten into a routine of going to the gym regularly but my eating habits as of late have been atrocious. Basically I have used the excuse for the last two weeks that I am not going to be able to eat any of my favorite foods during this challenge so I might as well stock up now. I had my most favorite desert in the world tonight at TGI Friday’s; warm brownie covered in warm hot fudge, vanilla ice cream scoop on top and drizzled with warm caramel sauce and sprinkled with chopped pecans. My husband and I split it and it was soooo delicious.

Tomorrow starts salads and less calories and a miserable 8 weeks of denying myself everything I love all in the sake of health. My brother in law is head personal trainer at our gym and said he really wants my husband and I to win. He said this is about getting healthy permanently. I know this SHOULD be the goal but honestly I just want to win at least the prize at our gym which is $500 and ultimately the BIG prize which is $5,000 if you lose the biggest percentage out of ALL the gyms participating. I don’t WANT to give up pizza, chocolate, ketchup, and iced tea forever. I can do it for 8 weeks and maybe if I do my mind will change. We shall see.

Weigh in is tomorrow at 6pm EST. Wish me luck and if you have any delicious healthy recipes feel free to pass them along 🙂

Day Negative 14

So as I may (or may not) have mentioned before my husband and I signed up for an 8 week challenge at our gym. The person who loses the highest percentage of weight out of all the health clubs wins $5,000. The person who loses the highest percentage of weight at our club wins $500.

It is exactly 2 weeks before this challenge starts and I am FREAKING OUT!! I am trying to be positive, strong, motivated, etc. But really all I keep doing is stress eating because I’m already certain that I am going to fail at this challenge and be the only one who doesn’t lose weight and will probably gain weight. My husband keeps telling me not to stress about winning the whole thing and to focus on health. Technically he’s right but if you were inside my brain for even a day you would understand why this is so hard for me to accept right now.

My whole life my parents have pushed me to be the best, be #1, get straight A’s and never settle for anything less then perfection. Funny thing about perfection is that is never achievable (unless you are Jesus but alas I am not even close there). And also the striving for perfection makes you MISERABLE!! But yet that is what my brain in set on all day every day. My parents have passed away but I can still hear my mom in my head taunting me about being fat and never good enough as if she is standing in the room with me.

I have struggled with an eating disorder since I was 12 years old. Binge eating, Bulimia, attempted Anorexia (though I never DID achieve that perfect size 0 body I was looking for or even come close). And mostly that is behind me. But every once in awhile it creeps back up and starts whispering in my ear not to eat, to be ashamed when I do eat, and telling me I am a complete loser who will never measure up in anything I do.

The reason I signed up for this challenge is because I want to be healthier and frankly I don’t want to die in my fifties or even sixties. I am shooting for 100 but will be satisfied with 90. So instead of shoving one more cookie in my mouth or candy bar I am going to try to blog about my anxieties about this challenge and maybe even how I can overcome them. I am also going to try to blog as much as possible during the challenge to keep me motivated.  I apologize if this blog becomes boring over the next few months but this is the only way I know to be sane. Here’s hoping I can do this and do it well (but not perfect)! Wish me luck!

Do you have any tips for working out that are helpful?

What healthy eating plan do you follow? Any good recipes?

 

 

Ch Ch Ch Changes

I have been quiet on WordPress for awhile and for those that actually read my blog I apologize. Life has been hectic and I am in the middle of some major changes.  I am afraid to blog about these changes because if I fail and tell no one then I fail alone. But if I share my goals and fail then it feels like seemingly EVERYONE in the whole world will know and that is terrifying.

I have started to try to pray again. It has not been consistent, or beautiful for that matter but it is real. I am working towards reading my Bible again which is also inconsistent at the moment but could get better as I put more effort into it. I remember when I first became a Christian I was so excited to read about Jesus and God and all the things he had done. It was truly like being in love and wanting to know every and anything. There was some major passion and excitement. Now it’s like “Ugh. I have to read THAT again?” I am starting to think maybe I should join a Bible study because I tend to learn better in a group then alone. I feel like a jerk for feeling so blase about wanting to know more about my faith but I’m in a place where I’m not sure what else there is for me to learn.

I have also joined a challenge at my gym which starts in September. Basically whoever loses the biggest percentage of weight in 8 weeks wins $500 and whoever loses the highest percentage from ALL the gyms wins $5,000. I signed up myself and my husband but I think I made a mistake now. I signed up right after my friend Royal passed away out of fear. He was only 38 and died from weight related health problems. That is only 2 years older then me and so I freaked out and signed us up.

The reason I think it is a mistake is I am extremely competitive and I do not like to lose and when I do lose it destroys me. My husband has a healthier approach of we’re going to lose weight (hopefully) and learn some new workout skills as part of the package is 3 personal training sessions. But the trainer I’ll be working with has given me some exercises to start with before the challenge and I have been in excruciating pain after some of them. I did a whole body workout 2 days ago and my knees and legs still do not want to cooperate with me.

On top of the exercise, I am having food difficulties again. I was following this ketogenic diet where I was eating a lot less carbs and was doing well. Unfortunately I fell off the wagon and have not been able to get back on. Chocolate is literally like heroin to my body. I can’t stop once I start and then the cravings hit every day around the same time of day. I know I should make something else but it’s so darn good. It’s delicious, it’s soothing, and most importantly, it’s quick.

I can do this. But it’s going to take time. So please be patient if I do not blog daily. I am trying to add a lot to my life but this is still important. Any advice on making changes would be appreciated!

 

 

Am I A Defective Product?

Today after work I was reading a magazine article in Marie Claire magazine. I don’t subscribe to it but my father in law always gets free offers for magazines for doing surveys so I wind up with a lot of them.

This article was one page, and talked about three different women who are already executives or higher-ups in their companies. But apparently this is only the tip of the iceberg of achievement. All three women have done something else on the side that has taken off exponentially. While I admire that drive and creativity, I had a few small problems with the story.

One woman described her schedule as working all day, leaving work to get in a workout, spending time with her husband and kids before working on what I’ll call her second job. She is quoted as saying that if a client needs her at 3am she gets up and answers the phone. Super Woman personified! We should all aspire to be her, right? Eh, maybe not.

My problem is that this is not realistic for your average woman. I don’t even have kids (well my husband acts like one from time to time, but that is a blog for another time!) and I am exhausted by the time I get done work, do a workout, clean around my house, and make dinner. I need some down time to recharge my batteries, reset my brain and just give the world a rest for a few hours.

My second problem with this article builds off of the first. These women are being held up as ideals for women to strive for. It’s as if the magazine/article is saying “Look ladies you CAN have it all. They did it! Why aren’t you? What’s wrong with your lazy butt?” Isn’t it enough of an achievement that these ladies broke through the glass ceiling and became tops in their respective fields on top of being wives and mothers? But apparently not. It’s like success is not enough anymore, you have to keep piling on….and on…and on.  When is enough, enough?

Tonight I just want to say to all the mamas, papas, sisters, brothers, friends, and families out there: YOU ARE ENOUGH!! Stop trying to kill yourself for an ideal that very few reach and even if they do, they are probably so exhausted that they can’t enjoy it. If you want to strive for more, do it, but do it because YOU want to.

Much love, hugs, and kitten kisses to all of you (or puppy kisses if you prefer)!

 

It Takes Falling To Appreciate Momentum

I have been sidelined from my life for almost 2 weeks now. As mentioned in previous posts I have been really sick with what was determined to be an Upper Respiratory infection coupled with a clogged ear. I am happy to report that steroids, nasal spray, and antibiotics have all congregated inside my body and had a talk with my immune system and I am on the mend. Not quite 100% yet but definitely not stuck on the couch any longer.

As also mentioned before I don’t do well with being sidelined and forced to make friends with my couch. I do love watching TV and getting caught up on shows or watching a few horror movies, but that gets old after awhile. And then the voices start in my head reminding me of the hundred things that need to get done around the house and how I am falling behind and a failure at being a wife and home owner.

I hate those voices. They paralyze me and prevent me from doing anything which of course causes more depression and hopelessness so I do sit around doing nothing because really, why bother do anything if you’re just going to have to do it over and over and nothing is ever really clean or fixed.

But being forced to be still has shown me just how much progress I had been making. I actually *gasp* miss the gym which has never happened in my entire life! I was actually cooking most night and doing well with it. I do not miss processed food as much as I thought I did.

So yes, slowing down does indeed suck as does being sick. However, if we never had to slow down for a minute we could never really appreciate how far we’ve come.